About two months ago, I had this dream that I was at my old daycare girlie's second birthday party and they announced that they were pregnant again. I told Phil about my dream, and he laughed and said yes and the plot twist was that they asked you to be their sitter, but in a double plot twist you had to decline because you were pregnant yourself!
We had a good laugh, but always joked about what if we had our own plot twist someday down the road. Earlier this spring we decided that after our loss last fall, we were perfectly content with our family, and were through pursuing adding any additional children. In a move that we hadn't done in a very long time, most likely years at this point, we started using the diaphragm once again. Since I am allergic to spermicide and using a diaphragm without it reduces the efficacy by 30%, I also prayed for God to keep my womb closed. Which He did.
Fast forward a few months, and I had a heart to heart with God. I told Him that I was struggling with our decision to say that we were done. Not that I wanted any more children right now, but I longed to carry life within me again. I left it at that, a longing that I someday wished to have fulfilled.
Throughout the month of May, my spirit was very unsettled, and I could tell something was happening. I'm pretty in tune with my body, so there were little moments that left me going 'huh, that's odd'. As the days before my menses was due, I was even more ruffled. None of the usual signs were cropping up, and my cervix was strangely closed. The day my period was supposed to start, I confessed to my sister that I feared I was pregnant. Wise lady answered, what will be will be and God will bring you through it. She of course thought I was crazy for thinking that when I wasn't even late yet!
The next day I found a reason to go out and buy a pregnancy test. It was so hard to wait until the following morning to use the test! I managed to wait, and tada, positive! Even when I am I fairly sure that I'm pregnant, that moment of going from certainly knowing to knowing for certain is quite shocking.
I quickly raced out the door for my morning prayer walk. Let's just say I had a lot to discuss with God. Ok, mostly question His wisdom and tell Him that I felt a little used. I tell you my real feelings and you step in and allow new life to form, are you crazy?!
I got home and debated about telling Phil. It was his last day of school with students and I didn't want to ruin it for him. But I decided that I was quite a wreck and needed him, and since it takes two to tango, I figured he was man enough to deal and support me. When I woke him up and told him that we had our own little plot twist, he was grinning ear to ear. He told me later in fact that he received this news the most joyously out of all of them.
Never in my life have I faced such opposing emotions simultaneously. One moment I'm elated, we are brining forth life once again, there will be a new member in our family! And in that same breath, utter terror. What if this one is bound for glory instead of my arms. I'm not sure I am strong enough to go through such a loss again. Each time there is a stretch in my womb these thoughts and feelings hit me once again. But I have decided to at least try and trust. Trust that everything will go in the direction of life and not loss this time. Trust that if loss happens that God will bring me through it once again. And choosing to love fiercely, because every day is a gift, and if today is the only day I get to love on this little one, than so be it. I will have no regrets.
Phil has been most tender and open to me these few weeks. The morning sickness and fatigue has hit me like a train wreck, and it takes a lot for me to get out of bed. Today I couldn't even manage it. I called him in the bedroom and asked if he could make me some breakfast because I felt to ill and weak to get up. That amazing man answered, 'already being taken care of, do you think you could handle some eggs?' And he tells me that I'm beautiful. Even though my nose is raw from a summer cold, my hair is disheveled, I'm an rare shade of gray, and I probably look as crappy as I feel. He laughs when I say, 'well the great thing about being sick is that I know I'm still pregnant', easing my fears. And he listens to each baby fact of the day that comes from my mouth. Which I can guarantee is more than just one!
Phil has probably told more people that we are expecting than I have! I love that he gets to say it with joy and excitement, and with none of the fear and apprehension that I have. He asks people what I am asking of you now. Pray for this pregnancy, and for Alicia. We are telling everyone early so that they may experience our joy alongside us. We are asking to be covered in prayer that we may meet this little one on this side of heaven. That everything will be alright.
Join us as our lives take a new journey. With a twist in the plot sometime around January 28, 2013!
