Zara Amethyst and Caeles Jasper's life stories

Dear Zara Amethyst,

This is the story of your life, albeit brief.  Know that you were wanted and loved and that mommy misses you.

November 15, 6am
I took a pregnancy test, mostly to prove to myself that I wasn't pregnant, that what I was feeling was all in my head!  Shock of my life to see it say positive!  I started shaking and decided to keep the knowledge of you hidden in my heart until prompted by the Spirit to say otherwise.

November 17
I told Phil tonight and I think he was even more surprised than me.  We decided to schedule and ultrasound to know when to expect your arrival before we told anyone.

November 20
I had a dream about twins, one girl, one boy.  When I awoke I said to myself 'wouldn't that be crazy!'

November 23, 6am
I awoke to use the bathroom.  Feeling wetness as I walked I decided to investigate and turned on the light.  I discovered blood in my jammies.  My first thought--oh no the baby, I'm losing the baby.  My second thought--the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord.  I go research and I discover that it could be a miscarriage or it could be random pregnant bleeding.  At 6:30 I wake Phil to tell him.  I cry and he prays for God's will to be done.  Throughout the day I continue to spot, and in late afternoon I call my friends Heidi and Rebecca and ask for prayers.

7pm--I'm feeling achy and mildly crampy.  I dismiss it because I don't want to face reality.  At 8pm I feel a gush, I go to the bathroom and am now actively bleeding.  And then I smell the unmistakeable odor of lochia.  Crushed and saddened I return to the couch to finish watching my show.  The next two hours your life flowed out of me.  I called Heidi and cried with her on the phone, then I went and woke up Phil to break the news to him.

Thanksgiving Morning
Heidi calls to see how I'm doing and I start crying again.  My brother Taylor is there and I can tell he's wondering what's wrong.  After getting off the phone I let him know, and promise to tell family so he wont be burdened by the news.  I call Mandy and Mom while driving to Heidi's house.  They are surprised and offer support and prayer.  Mandy is willing to come and be with me, but I tell her no it's thanksgiving she needs to spend it with her family.  Mom wishes she was here to give me a hug.  I get to Heidi's home and am surrounded by loving arms and we sob together.  I decide to go to thanksgiving dinner and not tell anyone.  I didn't want family hovering over me smothering me with their concern.  By the end of the day I realized that I had not bled since awaking, and both Mom and Rebecca mentioned the possibility of a vanished twin.  Given my dream just a few days earlier, I take heart and hope it to be true.  I am anxious for December 1st to come so I might know what the ultrasound will reveal.

A long time ago I decided that if I ever lost a baby I would name her Harmony.  So for a few days your name was Zara Harmony.  However, the Spirit spoke to me and said you needed a more beautiful name instead of one of sorrow and so I changed it to Zara Amethyst.  Zara means shining or flower and amethyst is a precious stone used to build the Holy City where you now dwell.

Dear Caeles Jasper

This is where your part of the story comes in.  Your presence was even briefer than your sisters'.  You were a hopeful dream and a powerful longing.  But when you left our lives you were a mighty force of nature.  While your passing was strong and defining  I am thankful to have that experience.  In your story you will see when we chose your name Caeles, but here is where I would like to say how I came by the name Jasper.  The day after you left, I was reading Revelation, I wanted to try and picture where you were at now.  When I came to the building supplies list of the Holy City Jasper is mentioned more than once.  I thought it very fitting and so did your father.

Monday November 28
I have been having light bleeding off and on throughout the day.  My womb is achy and feels worse when I'm on my feet.  So I try to rest more frequently than normal.  I tell Phil when he gets home that night of my achiness.  At 7pm I am having light contractions and I tell Phil that I am upgrading my status from achiness to contractions.  My heart sinks as I feel like I'm in the first stage of labor.  It is now a waiting game, but I don't have long to wait.  At 7:20 while putting Wesley's diapers away I feel a gush.  I hurry to the bathroom.  A large clot and lots of blood flow into the toilet.  I sit calmly on the toilet for a while gently pushing clots out.  At 7:30 I ask Phil to bring me a washcloth.  He instinctually knows what is going on and brings me a red dish towel.  Problem being the sink is just out of reach and I cannot get up due to the bleeding.  At 7:40 I ask Phil to come sit with me, I didn't want to go through it alone.  I ask him if he's ok with naming you and Phil says yes as long as it's gender neutral.  I hate gender neutral names but am willing to hear what he comes up with.  After a few minutes he says 'I think I've got it.'  Caeles--latin for heavenly dweller (we are pronouncing it 'kay-liss').  Through our tears we decide it's perfect.
8pm--I am still bleeding and passing clots frequently.  I am a bit concerned as to what it within the realm of normal.  I ask Phil to search the web and see.  He goes and takes Wesley and tries to find information.  And as I've discovered through this journey, information on miscarriages is sparse.
8:30--I am not feeling well.  It's been over an hour since your passing began.  I am scared about my health and I ask Phil to call his sister since she's a doctor.  I have him ask about the sweats, cold chills, nausea, uncontrollable shaking.  All within the realm of normal, but she asks him to consider taking me to the ER.  By now all I can do is rock back and forth moaning.  I remember thinking 'geez I really sound like I'm in labor.'  My hips ache, my lower back aches, and I just want to get off the toilet.  I ask Phil to bring me a bowl so I can stand and get some relief as well as wash my hands.  Oddly enough, he brings in my quart measuring cup bowl, because the handle would make it easier to hold.  I stand rocking back and forth and notice that in under five minutes there is a quarter cup already.  Exhausted I sit back down.  Now my arms are going numb from fingers to shoulders and my legs from feet up to knees.  I feel ill, and I dry heave and I lean forward to rest my head on Phil's empty chair.  I call out to him that I feel dizzy and that I might pass out.  He says 'I'm taking you in to the ER, what do you need?' I'm sitting there naked because I had stripped down once the seating started and I think 'hello crazy I'm naked here!'  But instead I respond a pad and some clothes.  I hear him on the phone telling someone that he's taking me in and to meet us at the hospital.  Then he comes in and starts dressing me.  I am too weak and tired to be much help.  Then he notices that the toilet is clear and asks me how long ago I flushed.  I think maybe five minutes and tell him I had some diarrhea and that was why I had flushed.
9:15 Phil makes a judgement call and decides we aren't going in and he's going to help me to the bed.  I tell him that I don't feel good and promptly pass out in his arms.  When I came around 10-15 seconds later (which felt like hours, I thought I had been dreaming), I didn't know where I was or what day it was and promptly puked, thankfully in a container!  Slowly the fog lifted and I regained some mental clarity and weakly made some jokes to reassure Phil.  By the time Heidi came (the 'somebody' that Phil called at 9), I was feeling better.  One of her first questions was when did the bleeding stop?  Right after Phil called her, she called Paula her minister's wife.  Immediately they prayed for the bleeding to stop so I wouldn't have to go to the hospital for a D&C.  They prayed together at 9:06

The first time I woke up to go to the bathroom, Phil helped me to the edge of the bed.  As he stood me up I said I felt sick.  He quickly sat me back down and turned around to grab the trash can. Next thing I knew I was waking up on the floor not sure where I was or how I got there.  Phil said 'you needed to go to the bathroom, do you still need to go?'  I did, and we decided that perhaps it would be best if I crawled and then Phil lift me onto the toilet.  Being upright was very difficult.  I felt shaky and nauseous and would pour sweat.  Phil helped me back down and I crawled back to bed.  Each time we got up to go to the bathroom I was either dry heaving or passing out.  It was a long night for us both.  By morning Phil decided that my being upright was too strenuous on my body.  Meeting even further shame and humiliation for the rest of the day Phil would help me to the edge of the bed where I could pee in a bucket so as to remain horizontal.  Just crawling those few feet back to the pillows would leaving me heaving and trying to catch my breath.  I started taking iron pills, oj, and munching on cashews.  By midmorning I could sit propped up without feeling ill.  As I started to feel better I had a goal to be able to walk to the bathroom by the end of the day.  And at 4pm I met that goal.  And by 5:30 I was assisted to the table for dinner.  The days since have met with lots of knitting, tears, phone calls, visits from friends and family, and blessings beyond belief.