beauty for ashes

There is no easy way to say you've had a miscarriage.  No cutsie term to help soften the blow.  No beating around the bush.  The words just fall out of your mouth and the listener is stunned for your loss. It's never anything you see coming.

I had a miscarriage.

I've read that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage.  But until you experience it, you don't believe it to be true.  And if you tell others, you find out that there are lots more women who have gone through such a loss than ever should have to.  It's a private club that no one wants to join.

I had a miscarriage.

I keep feeling like if I repeat the term enough to myself that perhaps the sterility of the phrase will help numb the pain of knowing that I have two babies waiting for me in glory.

But I'm not quite ready to tell the whole story of my babes quite yet.  Check back later.  When I'm stronger, and emotionally ready to share.

Right now, just know that my God is an awesome God whose capacity for compassion has overwhelmed my life.  And that's the part that I want to share.

The first night when baby #1 left, every time I got up to use the bathroom I heard Gungor's Beautiful things playing on the radio.  There is no earthly explanation why an older song should be playing four times throughout the night at the exact time that I got up to use the toilet.  When I read the words to the song I knew that God was ministering to my heart to tell me that it was ok.  If you are unfamiliar with the song, feel free to click the link and listen while you read.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uumI-PdeZzY

That was thanksgiving eve.  Thanksgiving was really hard.  I took Phil's advice to be thankful for what I had around me and not what I had just lost.  It wasn't easy, but through my tears I told God I was grateful for what He had given me.

We had hope that this was just a vanishing twin act.  And for the next five days we prayed and hoped, and grieved and hoped.

I am always amazed at God's work on Sundays.  It seems that Pastor Scott preaches on what I had just been studying that week.  This week when I sat down and looked at the topic for the sermon I had to hold back my tears.  Timing.  A sermon on timing.  And the verse that he spoke on was the first verse that God gave me through this loss.  Ecclesiates 3:11a--And yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time.

I kid you not, each day when I am feeling overwhelmed by my sorrow, that song comes on the radio.  And I know that it is God wrapping His arms around me comforting me.  Reminding me that everything is beautiful in its own time.  Even if that time was too brief.

Monday Nov 28 baby number two joined Jesus in paradise.  And as sad as losing babies is, I look forward to telling their story.  After the second loss, I had this song playing in my head.  I haven't actually heard it on the radio, but it plays frequently in my mind.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hk7_SBxYSZs

I went on a quest to find the scripture that this song came from.  I am thankful for technology, it made it so much easier!
Isaiah 61:3
To all who mourn in Israel,
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory.

Whenever I am having a rough time in life.  I always turn to Job.  His story always brings me comfort.  When I read his reaction to the knowledge of losing all his earthly possessions and children I was reduced to tears.
Job 1:20 Job stood up and tore his robe in grief.  Then he shaved his head and fell to the ground to worship.
Read it again, perhaps you, like I, missed something crucial in this verse.  I've read this book of the Bible more times than I can count, and yet I missed that he worshipped.  Yes, in the midst of his pain of loss, Job worshipped God.
And there I was, lying bed mourning the loss of my babies asking 'why'.  Telling God that was all I wanted to was 'why'.  And here before my eyes was a man who lost everything and he chose worship. I asked God to give me a heart to worship Him.  I ached for that desire to be a woman of righteousness.

 I believe that God heard my plea, and in the footnotes of another verse I got my answer to 'why'--if we always knew why we were suffering, our faith would have no room to grow.

That was a good enough answer for me.  God is allowing me to grow, and in growth comes a closer relationship with Him.  Which is what I have been desiring and pleading for before His throne.  He said in Isaiah 55:8 that His thoughts are not my thoughts and His ways are not my ways.  I would have never imagined that losing a child would have brought me closer to my Maker.  But it is.  I keep looking to the Word for comfort and the knowledge of where my babes are.  Comfort He is providing.  Comfort, love, compassion, understanding, open arms, crying shoulder, and hope.  The hope that one day I will meet those little babies that He so tenderly made.  The hope of no more pain and sorrows.

Little ones, I know that you are in the best place possible, and I am smiling for the beauty that you have embodied.  And I thank our Maker for allowing me to be your mother for such a short time, and for the beauty for ashes you have brought to my life.