How To Be Better Than Job's Friends

As I've tarried down this miscarriage road, I've done a lot of reading in the Bible.  Job is always a source of comfort for me, but now that it's a loss of life that I'm dealing with, it speaks even greater to me.  One thing that struck me as horrid was Job's "friends".  Instead of comforting him, they accused him that his miseries were all his fault and that he needed to repent of some sin.  What miserable comforters!

I am so very thankful that my friends are the complete opposite of Job's!  Almost everyone just listened and said they were sorry.  And that was just what I wanted and needed to hear.  That they were sorry I had to go through this experience, sorry that I was hurting, sorry that my babies were gone.  It never got old to hear 'I'm sorry'.

I did hear some well meant comments, but they sting deeply, much like the comments that Job's friends made:

"Just be thankful for the ones that you do have"--yes I am thankful for the children I have here to watch and grow up, but that doesn't mean I didn't want the ones that I lost!

"You can always have more"--yes, I assume that God will bless me with more, but again, I wanted those babies.


"The power of the mind and spoken word are quite powerful"--gasp if you will, but I did have someone insinuate that I thought the miscarriage into existence, and once I spoke the word it came to be.  I do not believe that our minds can come up with thoughts and that we can speak them into existence.  I am not God, I cannot just say 'tree grow' and have it happen.  You may disagree with me, but please, don't ever utter anything of the sort to a mom who just lost her baby!

"Perhaps there is a reason this baby couldn't come into your family because of something that is going to happen to you guys, like a job loss, or something major like that."--ok, so you are saying that my God has enough foresight to see that something awful is going to happen like Phil loses his job or our house burns down.  But He doesn't have enough power to see us through it and so He kills our baby to make this potential situation easier?  O.H. W.O.W.

and the one that made the top of the list:
"perhaps it was for the best"--besides wanting to punch this individual and walk away, there wasn't anything to do but smile, nod, and quickly terminate the conversation.

I know that the list seems lengthy, but you can be relieved to know that these were only from three different conversations.  So, again, overall, I had great comforters!

Want to know how to be a great comforter yourself?  Here are some great things you can say when someone is experiencing a loss in their life.

• I'm sorry for your loss
• I'm sorry that you are experiencing this pain
• I'm sorry that you are hurting
• I'm sorry that this happened
• I'm sorry
• I'm sorry 
• I'm sorry

Ok, I think you get the gist.  We humans have a hard time dealing with death, and we want to offer some sort of comfort, or reason, platitude, something.  But the best thing that I have found that can be said is 'I'm sorry'.

Fresh Perspective

I will admit it, I struggle with my body image.  I don't do scales very well, the numbers going up and down even by tenths of a pound totally mess with my brain.  This struggle led to binge eating in high school, and as a young mom, bulimia.  Take heart in knowing that through Christ I have healing and victory!  I don't feel compelled to binge, and I don't struggle with bulimic thoughts anymore, and that is huge in my life.  I do however, still struggle with body image.  My brain still plays tricks on me, and I'm sure Phil gets annoyed with me asking if the same outfits look ok on me.

Suffice it to say, that I took a huge blow after losing Zara and Caeles.  Not only were my babies gone, but so was my body shape.  My breasts jumped up a whole cup size and I had mini engorgement to get through (so thankful for Wesley to be nursing still and help me out there!), and my waistline softened up by two whole inches.  I knew the day after Caeles left us that I had the postpartum jelly belly.  I had no idea how 'bad' it was until I tried to wear my jeans once I started to feel better.  Couldn't even put them on, talk about shock!  Nervously I got out my tape measure and checked, and was shocked and angered to see it read two inches more than normal.

I cried, I ranted and raved, I moped and whined.  How unfair it was that I hadn't even been showing the world that I was carrying life and now I have to deal with a flabby tummy.  To be perfectly honest (and to sound super conceited) this new body of mine is what has been one of the hardest things to come to terms with.  Yes I lost my babies, and I miss them, and what could have been.  But they are in heaven!  I can't stay upset about that too long when I think about the eternal joy they are experiencing right now.

But this body, ugh.  I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror.  It's like the constant reminder of my loss.  I try and take the least amount of time to get ready now so I don't have to face myself.  I'm sure I look pretty pathetic, but just don't tell me ok?

This morning though, for some strange reason, I took a close look.  And I am so glad that I did.  I looked at my breasts now spilling over because my bras don't fit anymore.  I looked at the saggy, wrinkly flabby, muffin top- if- I- try- to- wear- anything- without- elastic- belly.  And the Spirit gave me a fresh perspective.  It almost brings me to my knees to think about it.  He told me to quit thinking about it as something ugly.  It's not a scar, it's a beautiful reminder that I CARRIED LIFE.  It might have been brief, but there were two precious children that resided within me.  Yes their time was way too short in my life, but they were there, and I love them, and I know they love me.  I am blessed to be able to carry life, not every woman can.  

Instead of griping or getting angry about how I look like now, I'm going to try and be thankful for the visual reminder of Zara and Caeles' presence in my life.  I don't have any pictures, toys, clothes, footprints, or id bracelets of theirs.  Nothing physical to pull out of a box to remember them by.  All I have left of their them is my belly.  I can look down or in a mirror at any time of day and see that.  And I can remember that I carried them, briefly in my body, but now forever in my heart.

Zara Amethyst and Caeles Jasper's life stories

Dear Zara Amethyst,

This is the story of your life, albeit brief.  Know that you were wanted and loved and that mommy misses you.

November 15, 6am
I took a pregnancy test, mostly to prove to myself that I wasn't pregnant, that what I was feeling was all in my head!  Shock of my life to see it say positive!  I started shaking and decided to keep the knowledge of you hidden in my heart until prompted by the Spirit to say otherwise.

November 17
I told Phil tonight and I think he was even more surprised than me.  We decided to schedule and ultrasound to know when to expect your arrival before we told anyone.

November 20
I had a dream about twins, one girl, one boy.  When I awoke I said to myself 'wouldn't that be crazy!'

November 23, 6am
I awoke to use the bathroom.  Feeling wetness as I walked I decided to investigate and turned on the light.  I discovered blood in my jammies.  My first thought--oh no the baby, I'm losing the baby.  My second thought--the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord.  I go research and I discover that it could be a miscarriage or it could be random pregnant bleeding.  At 6:30 I wake Phil to tell him.  I cry and he prays for God's will to be done.  Throughout the day I continue to spot, and in late afternoon I call my friends Heidi and Rebecca and ask for prayers.

7pm--I'm feeling achy and mildly crampy.  I dismiss it because I don't want to face reality.  At 8pm I feel a gush, I go to the bathroom and am now actively bleeding.  And then I smell the unmistakeable odor of lochia.  Crushed and saddened I return to the couch to finish watching my show.  The next two hours your life flowed out of me.  I called Heidi and cried with her on the phone, then I went and woke up Phil to break the news to him.

Thanksgiving Morning
Heidi calls to see how I'm doing and I start crying again.  My brother Taylor is there and I can tell he's wondering what's wrong.  After getting off the phone I let him know, and promise to tell family so he wont be burdened by the news.  I call Mandy and Mom while driving to Heidi's house.  They are surprised and offer support and prayer.  Mandy is willing to come and be with me, but I tell her no it's thanksgiving she needs to spend it with her family.  Mom wishes she was here to give me a hug.  I get to Heidi's home and am surrounded by loving arms and we sob together.  I decide to go to thanksgiving dinner and not tell anyone.  I didn't want family hovering over me smothering me with their concern.  By the end of the day I realized that I had not bled since awaking, and both Mom and Rebecca mentioned the possibility of a vanished twin.  Given my dream just a few days earlier, I take heart and hope it to be true.  I am anxious for December 1st to come so I might know what the ultrasound will reveal.

A long time ago I decided that if I ever lost a baby I would name her Harmony.  So for a few days your name was Zara Harmony.  However, the Spirit spoke to me and said you needed a more beautiful name instead of one of sorrow and so I changed it to Zara Amethyst.  Zara means shining or flower and amethyst is a precious stone used to build the Holy City where you now dwell.

Dear Caeles Jasper

This is where your part of the story comes in.  Your presence was even briefer than your sisters'.  You were a hopeful dream and a powerful longing.  But when you left our lives you were a mighty force of nature.  While your passing was strong and defining  I am thankful to have that experience.  In your story you will see when we chose your name Caeles, but here is where I would like to say how I came by the name Jasper.  The day after you left, I was reading Revelation, I wanted to try and picture where you were at now.  When I came to the building supplies list of the Holy City Jasper is mentioned more than once.  I thought it very fitting and so did your father.

Monday November 28
I have been having light bleeding off and on throughout the day.  My womb is achy and feels worse when I'm on my feet.  So I try to rest more frequently than normal.  I tell Phil when he gets home that night of my achiness.  At 7pm I am having light contractions and I tell Phil that I am upgrading my status from achiness to contractions.  My heart sinks as I feel like I'm in the first stage of labor.  It is now a waiting game, but I don't have long to wait.  At 7:20 while putting Wesley's diapers away I feel a gush.  I hurry to the bathroom.  A large clot and lots of blood flow into the toilet.  I sit calmly on the toilet for a while gently pushing clots out.  At 7:30 I ask Phil to bring me a washcloth.  He instinctually knows what is going on and brings me a red dish towel.  Problem being the sink is just out of reach and I cannot get up due to the bleeding.  At 7:40 I ask Phil to come sit with me, I didn't want to go through it alone.  I ask him if he's ok with naming you and Phil says yes as long as it's gender neutral.  I hate gender neutral names but am willing to hear what he comes up with.  After a few minutes he says 'I think I've got it.'  Caeles--latin for heavenly dweller (we are pronouncing it 'kay-liss').  Through our tears we decide it's perfect.
8pm--I am still bleeding and passing clots frequently.  I am a bit concerned as to what it within the realm of normal.  I ask Phil to search the web and see.  He goes and takes Wesley and tries to find information.  And as I've discovered through this journey, information on miscarriages is sparse.
8:30--I am not feeling well.  It's been over an hour since your passing began.  I am scared about my health and I ask Phil to call his sister since she's a doctor.  I have him ask about the sweats, cold chills, nausea, uncontrollable shaking.  All within the realm of normal, but she asks him to consider taking me to the ER.  By now all I can do is rock back and forth moaning.  I remember thinking 'geez I really sound like I'm in labor.'  My hips ache, my lower back aches, and I just want to get off the toilet.  I ask Phil to bring me a bowl so I can stand and get some relief as well as wash my hands.  Oddly enough, he brings in my quart measuring cup bowl, because the handle would make it easier to hold.  I stand rocking back and forth and notice that in under five minutes there is a quarter cup already.  Exhausted I sit back down.  Now my arms are going numb from fingers to shoulders and my legs from feet up to knees.  I feel ill, and I dry heave and I lean forward to rest my head on Phil's empty chair.  I call out to him that I feel dizzy and that I might pass out.  He says 'I'm taking you in to the ER, what do you need?' I'm sitting there naked because I had stripped down once the seating started and I think 'hello crazy I'm naked here!'  But instead I respond a pad and some clothes.  I hear him on the phone telling someone that he's taking me in and to meet us at the hospital.  Then he comes in and starts dressing me.  I am too weak and tired to be much help.  Then he notices that the toilet is clear and asks me how long ago I flushed.  I think maybe five minutes and tell him I had some diarrhea and that was why I had flushed.
9:15 Phil makes a judgement call and decides we aren't going in and he's going to help me to the bed.  I tell him that I don't feel good and promptly pass out in his arms.  When I came around 10-15 seconds later (which felt like hours, I thought I had been dreaming), I didn't know where I was or what day it was and promptly puked, thankfully in a container!  Slowly the fog lifted and I regained some mental clarity and weakly made some jokes to reassure Phil.  By the time Heidi came (the 'somebody' that Phil called at 9), I was feeling better.  One of her first questions was when did the bleeding stop?  Right after Phil called her, she called Paula her minister's wife.  Immediately they prayed for the bleeding to stop so I wouldn't have to go to the hospital for a D&C.  They prayed together at 9:06

The first time I woke up to go to the bathroom, Phil helped me to the edge of the bed.  As he stood me up I said I felt sick.  He quickly sat me back down and turned around to grab the trash can. Next thing I knew I was waking up on the floor not sure where I was or how I got there.  Phil said 'you needed to go to the bathroom, do you still need to go?'  I did, and we decided that perhaps it would be best if I crawled and then Phil lift me onto the toilet.  Being upright was very difficult.  I felt shaky and nauseous and would pour sweat.  Phil helped me back down and I crawled back to bed.  Each time we got up to go to the bathroom I was either dry heaving or passing out.  It was a long night for us both.  By morning Phil decided that my being upright was too strenuous on my body.  Meeting even further shame and humiliation for the rest of the day Phil would help me to the edge of the bed where I could pee in a bucket so as to remain horizontal.  Just crawling those few feet back to the pillows would leaving me heaving and trying to catch my breath.  I started taking iron pills, oj, and munching on cashews.  By midmorning I could sit propped up without feeling ill.  As I started to feel better I had a goal to be able to walk to the bathroom by the end of the day.  And at 4pm I met that goal.  And by 5:30 I was assisted to the table for dinner.  The days since have met with lots of knitting, tears, phone calls, visits from friends and family, and blessings beyond belief.

beauty for ashes

There is no easy way to say you've had a miscarriage.  No cutsie term to help soften the blow.  No beating around the bush.  The words just fall out of your mouth and the listener is stunned for your loss. It's never anything you see coming.

I had a miscarriage.

I've read that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage.  But until you experience it, you don't believe it to be true.  And if you tell others, you find out that there are lots more women who have gone through such a loss than ever should have to.  It's a private club that no one wants to join.

I had a miscarriage.

I keep feeling like if I repeat the term enough to myself that perhaps the sterility of the phrase will help numb the pain of knowing that I have two babies waiting for me in glory.

But I'm not quite ready to tell the whole story of my babes quite yet.  Check back later.  When I'm stronger, and emotionally ready to share.

Right now, just know that my God is an awesome God whose capacity for compassion has overwhelmed my life.  And that's the part that I want to share.

The first night when baby #1 left, every time I got up to use the bathroom I heard Gungor's Beautiful things playing on the radio.  There is no earthly explanation why an older song should be playing four times throughout the night at the exact time that I got up to use the toilet.  When I read the words to the song I knew that God was ministering to my heart to tell me that it was ok.  If you are unfamiliar with the song, feel free to click the link and listen while you read.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uumI-PdeZzY

That was thanksgiving eve.  Thanksgiving was really hard.  I took Phil's advice to be thankful for what I had around me and not what I had just lost.  It wasn't easy, but through my tears I told God I was grateful for what He had given me.

We had hope that this was just a vanishing twin act.  And for the next five days we prayed and hoped, and grieved and hoped.

I am always amazed at God's work on Sundays.  It seems that Pastor Scott preaches on what I had just been studying that week.  This week when I sat down and looked at the topic for the sermon I had to hold back my tears.  Timing.  A sermon on timing.  And the verse that he spoke on was the first verse that God gave me through this loss.  Ecclesiates 3:11a--And yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time.

I kid you not, each day when I am feeling overwhelmed by my sorrow, that song comes on the radio.  And I know that it is God wrapping His arms around me comforting me.  Reminding me that everything is beautiful in its own time.  Even if that time was too brief.

Monday Nov 28 baby number two joined Jesus in paradise.  And as sad as losing babies is, I look forward to telling their story.  After the second loss, I had this song playing in my head.  I haven't actually heard it on the radio, but it plays frequently in my mind.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hk7_SBxYSZs

I went on a quest to find the scripture that this song came from.  I am thankful for technology, it made it so much easier!
Isaiah 61:3
To all who mourn in Israel,
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory.

Whenever I am having a rough time in life.  I always turn to Job.  His story always brings me comfort.  When I read his reaction to the knowledge of losing all his earthly possessions and children I was reduced to tears.
Job 1:20 Job stood up and tore his robe in grief.  Then he shaved his head and fell to the ground to worship.
Read it again, perhaps you, like I, missed something crucial in this verse.  I've read this book of the Bible more times than I can count, and yet I missed that he worshipped.  Yes, in the midst of his pain of loss, Job worshipped God.
And there I was, lying bed mourning the loss of my babies asking 'why'.  Telling God that was all I wanted to was 'why'.  And here before my eyes was a man who lost everything and he chose worship. I asked God to give me a heart to worship Him.  I ached for that desire to be a woman of righteousness.

 I believe that God heard my plea, and in the footnotes of another verse I got my answer to 'why'--if we always knew why we were suffering, our faith would have no room to grow.

That was a good enough answer for me.  God is allowing me to grow, and in growth comes a closer relationship with Him.  Which is what I have been desiring and pleading for before His throne.  He said in Isaiah 55:8 that His thoughts are not my thoughts and His ways are not my ways.  I would have never imagined that losing a child would have brought me closer to my Maker.  But it is.  I keep looking to the Word for comfort and the knowledge of where my babes are.  Comfort He is providing.  Comfort, love, compassion, understanding, open arms, crying shoulder, and hope.  The hope that one day I will meet those little babies that He so tenderly made.  The hope of no more pain and sorrows.

Little ones, I know that you are in the best place possible, and I am smiling for the beauty that you have embodied.  And I thank our Maker for allowing me to be your mother for such a short time, and for the beauty for ashes you have brought to my life.

Hats

I have a thing for hats.  Partly because I have baby fine hair that when I turned 16 started it's journey on the path of female pattern baldness.  Crummy genetics anyhoo.  The other part of me just loves hats, because let's admit it, they are so stinkin cute!

In high school I started wearing bandanas (with overalls, classy eh?).  It was supposedly against the student handbook, but I never got in trouble for it even though one of my friends who wore them rolled as a headband did.  They have been a staple of my wardrobe for over ten years now.  I went through a phase where I didn't wear them much because I thought maybe I was too old and should dress more sophisticated.  But um, hello!  I am a mom who doesn't always get the chance to brush my teeth in the morning, so bandanas are awesome when I don't have time to fix my hair.  Or when I'm just grumpy and tired of looking at my sparse strands.  My bestie brought me back bandanas from the Philippines years upon years ago.  I'm just sad that they wore out.  Most comfy fabric ever to touch my head.

my most outrageous bandana, I usually keep it toned down to a plain hot pink :)

I like the outrageous sunhats too.  And this year I broke down and bought one not caring how much Phil would laugh or shake his head at my craziness.

it looks so much better with my bathing suit

I love cute caps too, but don't buy them at stores.  Ten dollars seems a bit steep, but a dollar at goodwill got me this beauty.

One of my first projects on my machine was this little ditty.  It is super comfy thanks to the t-shirt, those rosettes just about did me in though!

Now that I am knitting (just started two weeks ago and am loving it!), I can make even more hats.  This was my first project that was worthy of sharing.  My actual 'first' started as a scarf that ended up as a quasi lap blanket that Wesley loves to play with.  I found that knitting these hats was a quick and rewarding project.  There are so many more that I want to try, so I have a feeling that the head hugger's website will log some frequent flyer miles on my browser in the next few months.

first hat knitted!

The one I made for Abi, one of the 'benefits' of not having a whole lot of hair is that I can wear it too.

Laundry Soap

I have been stalling on posting anything here almost as long as I have been dragging my feet on making my own laundry soap.  For as much as I do homemade it was surprising to people to find out that I don't make my own soap.  When asked why I didn't have a good reason.  Just being a rebel I suppose.

Earlier this fall, I was taking a shortcut through the Hyvee cleaning isle when I saw Fels Naptha, Borax, and Washing Soda, side by side, and all on sale.  Even though I was still channeling my inner rebel, I quickly snatched up a box of each and two bars of soap.  Sadly it was long enough ago, that I don't have a receipt to tell you how much it costed me.  But I cannot imagine that it would have costed over $10, because I wouldn't have bought it.

My friend Cheryl had asked me after I bought the supplies if I made my own soap.  She had seen a show (maybe the Duggars?) where they made enough laundry soap for six months and was very inspired to do it together with her family.  She was hoping that I would have a recipe for her.  I didn't, but it was that phone call where I decided that I needed to get over myself and make some soap.  If nothing else, for Cheryl!

So Cheryl, thank you and here you go.  I made laundry soap yesterday with Lizzi.  It took longer to bring up the 'ingredients' from the laundry room than it did to make it!

courtesy of http://www.diynatural.com/simple-easy-fast-effective-jabs-homemade-laundry-detergent/

2 bars Fels Naptha soap
2 cups borax
2 cups washing soda

Grate soap, add borax and washing soda, place in container ( I used an old sherbet container).

I grated my soap in my food processor and then switched blades to the chopping one, added the borax and washing soda and wizzed it for a minute.  It will take a bit longer if you have to grate it by hand.


So there you have it, a simple quick easy laundry soap recipe.  Oh, and Cheryl, the Fels Naptha has a very strong fragrance, so you might want to try the ivory like the website mentions.  I don't know if it will have any difference on the cleaning power or not.  So try it and let me know!

PS--in case you are wondering like I was, you won't use the whole box of borax and washing soda.  I would guess that there are probably 10 cups left, so it was a good buy!

Doll Sling Tutorial

Ok, bear with me, this is my first attempt at making a sewing tutorial!  I made a little doll sling for Wesley for Christmas and of course friends want to know how to make one.  The great thing about this project is that there wasn't any math or measuring.  I just eyeballed it using Lizzi's as a guide.  If you can make a rolled hem and sew in a straight line this is a great project to make in under an hour.  I'm uber anal about my hemline, so I pinned most of them because I didn't want it to slip out and then eventually fray on me!  So if you are more relaxed than I am, it will take you longer to decide on your fabric and find the rings than it will to stitch up.

Materials:

• 1 swatch of fabric approximately 42 inches long (bare minimum, this left about a 1-2 inch 'tail' on the sling when Lizzi  who wears a size 5T tried it out) by 14 inches wide
• set of rings (I found some in the purse crafting isle of joann's, they are about 1.5 inches wide, I'd go larger if you can find them.  I have to work the fabric a little bit more than I should to get it through the rings, but the good news is that I don't have to worry about it slipping.)

Step One

once you have material cut to desired length, do a rolled hem around all edges

Step Two

get rings out of package.  Pull material through on one skinny end until it is in desired placement on sling.  The more that you pull through, the more padding will be created on the shoulder, which some kids may or may not be fond of.

Step Three

fold material to make a gather like in the picture

notice the outer edges of the fabric are touching each other in the middle near gathered portion, this helps to create a nice little pouch for the doll

up close of gathering

Step Four

sew the material in place

Step Five
bring fabric through rings, call in you little one and try it out!

ta-dah!  You did it!

Stars and Sand

I think that a persons favorite Bible scripture gives an interesting insight into his/her character.

My dad's is Eph 2:8-9 "God saved you by His grace when you believed.  And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God."
I know my dad loves this because he understands just how bad off he was without Christ.  He fell away from the Lord hard for a long time, and came back passionately.  My dad gets where he would be without God's grace, which is why I think he loves that passage so deeply, because it is so personal for him.

My mom's favorite passage is Matthew 6:25-34
"That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life--whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear.  Isn't life more than food, and you body more than clothing?  Look at the birds.  They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them.  And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are?  Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?  And why worry about your clothing?  Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow.  They don't work or make their clothing.  Yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are.  And if God cares so wonderfully for the wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you.  Why do you have so little faith?  So don't worry about these things saying 'what will we eat? what will we drink?  What will we wear?'  These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers but your heavenly Father already knows all you needs.  Seek the Kingdom of God above all else and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.  So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today."
I could stand to be corrected, but I'm fairly certain that my mother's natural tendency is to worry.  And what mom doesn't?  I think that she finds comfort, solace, and is reminded of just how good our God is to take care of us in every circumstance.  Let me tell you, God gives so generously to my parents, that I am blessed because of His giving to them!

In case you are curious of what my favorite scripture, here it is--Psalm 139.  Most especially verses 17 and 18.
"How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.  They cannot be numbered!  I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!  And when I wake up, you are still with me!
Here's a little breakdown of why I love that verse.  I am an insecure person, so I constantly return to this passage to remind myself of the Father's love for me.  My insecurities run as deep as they do long.  As a child I never thought I had friends.  Thought that there was something wrong with me.  My deepest fear (aside from being widowed with young children) is that I am unloveable.  This is irrational I know, but it's still there.  For as close as I long to get to the Lord, I still wonder if he loves me.
"I mean, yeah, He gave His Son for me, but maybe I was just part of the deal.  Had to be 'granfathered' in.  Because, you know, there were all these other people that He loved and wanted to save, and if He offered it to them, well, maybe He just had to (begrudgingly) offer it to me as well."
^These are the crazy thoughts that ping through my head more often than I would like!

This morning when I was having my quiet time with God, out of everything that I read this verse just jumped off the page at me.
Isaiah 40:26  "Look up into the heavens.  Who created all the stars?  He brings them out like an army, one after another, calling each by its name.  Because of His great power and incomparable strength, not a single one is missing."
I finished the chapter and bundled up to take the dog for a walk.  When I got outside, I took a look up into the sky and saw all the stars in their shining brillance.  And I thought 'wow, how cool is it that God named each of these and that they obey his command?!'  I never really thought about stars having to obey before.  As soon as I thought that, the Holy Spirit flooded over me and pressed upon me just how much God loves me.  I said, 'yeah Lord I know that you know the number of hairs on my head, but I'm pretty sure a computer could count them since there aren't that many.  And ok, you know my thoughts, but that's just your ability as God, you get that privilege to know everything that's going on with me.  And then He whispered back those verses from Psalm 139 personally to me  "How precious are my thoughts about you Alicia, they cannot be numbered.  You can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!"
And I lost it.  I started crying right then and there.  Because I finally understood, that it was me that He loves.  Not because He has to, or is obligated to, but because he wants to.  I was literally crushed under His love and there was nothing I could do about it but be in awe.  I realized that there is no way to count the grains of sand upon the earth.  And even if all of God's precious thoughts about me were just contained in one cup of sand I would be grateful.  That in itself would be a lot of love right there!  But He has more thoughts about me (that are precious to Him!) than all the sand in the world!  And that is mind blowing.  I have a God, who not only reached down to earth with the gift of His Son, but I have a God who thinks about me, all. the. time.  And it's not how annoyed He is that I failed again, it is precious thoughts of me, thoughts of love, love love.

Wesley's Quilt Photos

Ok, so I gave up waiting for Phil to take pictures of Wesley's quilt, so I just did it myself.  I know that it will give you the general idea of what it turned out like.  Plus, who can resist a cute baby?!

 Loves the blanket and the toddler bed.  Now if only we could get him to sleep in it...

I'm so funny

Hehe

Close up of the contrast stitching that I love

Happy Bubby

Sneak Peak--Holiday Dress

As promised to my facebook friends... a peak at what the girls' holiday dresses look like.  A lot more stunning in person if I may say so!  A deep plum with a gray/silver sparkly accents.  They love them and are very excited to wear them and be princesses!

Also, if you want to make your own, here's the link for the tutorial that I used!
http://www.u-createcrafts.com/2010/11/creative-guest-party-dress-by-cottage.html

On Creating

You know the phrase 'made in the image of God'?  I have always had a hard time relating to that.  I don't feel very much like my creator.  Until this morning when walking the dog and talking with God I told him that I was really excited about the learn to knit party.  I told him that I really wanted to learn how to knit so I could have a craft to take with me.  An antique sewing machine just doesn't fit that bill, ya know?  And He whispered to my soul that He loved to create too.  Which got me to thinking, and then praising Him for that truth.  What a wonderful reason to make the world!  I can only imagine how thrilled God must have been while molding the earth in His gentle hands.  I know how much I enjoy the snip, snip, snip of my scissors while cutting fabric.  And the rhythmic whir of my machine puts my mind at ease.  And the joy of creating when my fabric starts to materialize and I see with my eyes what I've only envisioned in my mind.

How creative and complex our God is!  His creativity knows no bounds.  You can see this by the vast amount of people on the planet, and no two are alike, not even the identical twins.  Or the earth and all that live in it.  Just to try and comprehend it boggles my mind.  Of course I've been told that I'm simple minded, so maybe you should try it and see if it works out better for you.

I guess I've been thinking about creating a lot lately.  This passage from a spiritual warfare book spoke deeply to me.  I suppose God is trying to tell me that I have more than I believe I do.

"We fail to see the creative aspects of our everyday lives.  Housewives especially do not realize this.  While you are doing housework [or tending to children] you are being creative.  You are creating a home and an atmosphere where you can raise servants for the King.  And in which you can build up your husband so that he can be a better servant for the King. This is important to the Lord."

                                                            ---Prepare for War by Rebecca Brown MD

I think that God is trying to catch my attention to the fact that I am doing more than just the routine mundane cook clean wipe noses and bums (which explains why I've felt pressed to memorize and live out Phillipians 2:14--do everything without complaining or arguing).  I am raising up servants for His kingdom.  And they have the same creative gene that He does.  I'm convinced it's what spawns all the pictures and love notes that my children are constantly cranking out.

Thank you Father for being a creative God and for allowing us to be like you!

Getting off the Sidelines

I'll admit it.  I have a hard time doing a lot of kid activities.  Building blocks, legos, role playing, coloring.  I can stomach about five minutes.  And then I'm bored out of my mind.  In contrast there is Phil who can do all of that pretty much anytime and stay there more than a brief moment.  The kids adore him because he plays.  I struggle with playing, even in my own downtime.  I love to read, but mostly it is for learning sake, novels are more of the exception than the norm.  Love my sewing time, but again, it usually is something useful.  There has to be value in what I'm spending my time on, or I just don't see the point.  So I'm the parent who takes her kids to the park, but am sitting on the bench waving and smiling.   I try and find toys that don't require adults because I know I won't want to sit with them and 'play' it.  Most of the games I get are 'educational'.  I realize that this makes me seem like a pretty dull mom, but I'm ok with that.  I'll be the level headed, even keeled parent.  It works for me.

Last night I got off the sidelines a little bit and had a blast.  We went to the pumpkin patch for the last two hours before it closed.  I decided that this year I wanted to have some fun.  Something about that massive gunny sack slide was just calling out my name.  Plus I knew that climbing all those stairs would help me stay warm!  I know that the kids had just as much fun as I did, and perhaps it was just a bit more special since I was actually participating.

If you're waiting to hear that I had an epiphany about needing to add more play to my day you're going to be waiting awhile!  I've always been the 'serious' one.  It's just part of my personality.  In fact this week I just took a personality test and scored huge points on things like 'value, organization, clean workspace, lists, etc'  I love who I am as a mom, and the little people must as well for they say I love you mama quite frequently :)

Feel free to be shocked as I am placing a multitude of pictures that Phil took for us last night.

Sign in the lounge area that we liked, too bad it wasn't for sale!

Wesley playing in the corn box

Lizzi being her glamorous self

Friends!

Apparently he really liked the corn box!

getting ready to ride on the little train

Abi on the zipline

Phil wanted a picture of a country girl, guess I fit the bill :)

Phil taking the kids down the big slide

Me getting off the sidelines for a bit

The pumpkin patch, where we found two perfect pie pumpkins

smores + climbing the bridge = one happy little guy

Wesley and his lady 

he was all about conquering-went down that huge slide all by himself, rode the train, climbed the bridge, oh yeah!

all of the Braden kids are the same ages as our kids and our wonderful friends

Cloth Pads

Ok, so I started to blog about this last month.  I was more done than not when Phil peeked over my shoulder and with dismay said 'you're blogging about your period?!'  Discouraged I decided not to post it, and I even went so far as to delete my draft.  But now that it's 'that time of the month' again, I thought if I could make one gal's cycle more comfortable because of what I do wouldn't that be worth it?

Yes, yes it is!  Where would I myself be if I hadn't read about cloth pads?  Probably still dealing with allergic reactions and rashes each month.  The only time your lady parts should be burning is because of  passion for your lover, not because of chemicals reactions!

Anyhoo....I'm trying to remember how I learned about cloth pads.  I'm fairly certain that it was when we switched to cloth diapers with Abi.  I saw a website make mention of mama cloth.  Not knowing what it was I decided to investigate.  What I read was totally amazing to me, perhaps I wouldn't have to dread all of the pain I went through every month.  And since I was going to do cloth diapers, it wasn't that big of a stretch to rinse out one more thing.

Some ladies choose to soak their pads in an enclosed pot.  I've read that the water makes great plant fertilizer.  Makes sense to me, if it can grow a baby, why not a plant?  I choose to just wash them out in the sink and put them in the diaper pail.

After reading about cloth pads, I was ready to proceed.  Problem was, at anywhere from 3-12 dollars a piece, our college budget couldn't afford the recommended amount for a proper 'stash'.  So I looked at other alternatives.  I found a few things worth mentioning--jade pearls, moonkeeper, and the diva cup.  Jade Pearls, are sea sponges that have been sterilized.  They are reusable for up to six months.  While I found those intriguing, I didn't want to buy more every few months, didn't seem to be cost effective.  The moonkeeper and diva cup are the same principal.  A small cup that you use instead of a tampon, it catches the fluid, then when you remove the cup you just dump the contents, rinse and reinsert.  I chose the diva cup over the moonkeeper simply because it is made of medical grade silicon that you can boil.  At the time I suffered greatly from yeast infections, so being able to really sterilize it was comforting to me.

I laid out to Phil that even though there might be a large upfront cost, it would save him lots of money (not to mention the great service I would be doing the earth by not polluting it with my garbage!).  He agreed, and so I bought the diva cup, three heavy flow pads and three pantiliner pads.  That my friends is what I used for five years!  I never needed to replace them, or buy more.  So for somewhere around 75 dollars, I had something comfy to wear that was green to the earth and easy on the wallet.

Since Wesley has been born and my cycle started up about 6months ago, I haven't found much comfort wearing my diva cup.  Not sure why that is, but I've just found myself desiring to wear the pads.  Problem is, when you only have the amount that I do, it's not going to get you through a whole day, let alone an entire cycle!  I started looking at patterns, was pretty intimidated, and overwhelmed.  I decided to ask my seamstress friend if she would make me some, but as a busy mom to 6, she couldn't guarantee that they'd get done before my next cycle.

So I took a deep breath and started searching again.  Finally I found something that I thought I could use.  A circle pad.  Easy, no waste, and no cutting the wings just perfect.  Ok, pattern found, now to gather fabric.  I had a tote full of baby spit rags, so I chose the prettiest flannel that I was ok with wearing (the whole baby kitty fabric just didn't hold a lot of appeal to me!), and found a thick terrycloth bib that I inherited but never used.  But the waterproof layer was a kicker.  I didn't want to buy anything, just in case they didn't turn out or work, I didn't want to have a financial investment to my project.  Then I found out that polar fleece is water proof.  I had some fleece pillowcases that my washer conveniently took bites out of and rendered them out of service.  So I took them and checked it out--the water actually just sat on top of the material.  So I did have everything I needed, now to take a deep breath and get started.  For a fastener, against the sage advice of the internet, I opted to try velcro since I had that on hand.  I haven't run  into any snagging problems, but it did scratch my thighs.  So I trimmed off the edges and haven't had any issues since.

I started digging through my kitchen for a circle that would be about the right size.  Kid plates--too small.  Lids to my pots--too large.  Finally I found the lid to my pampered chef trifle bowl and it was perfect!  I traced circles on the flannel spit rag, and the pillowcase.  Cut strips of terrycloth about the width of the undies crotch.  Then assembly time.  It was a piece of cake!  I put the terrycloth strip in the center of the flannel and sewed all around it, then put the fleece on the back and stitched all around the edges.  Attached the velcro and was done.  All in all, it takes longer to cut the pieces out than it does to sew them together.  Unless your machine has a strange temperament like mine does.  I think it just doesn't like to work after 8pm :)

Here's what the latest off the press looks like.  Comfortable, free to me, and pretty to boot!

Sorry about the quality of the picture.  Phil takes the camera every day to work, so instead of waiting for my turn, I used photo booth instead.  Work with what ya got baby!

Poo Free

Last summer I had some mamas and their babes over for a little playdate.  One of the gals said she had gone 'poo free'.  Wondering if that was some new terminology for toilet training, I asked.  Poo free is a term relating to people who choose not to use shampoo.  That started a flurry of questions and comments to be sure!

And so for the next year, I wondered about it.  Did a little reading about it.  I already was aware of all the harmful chemicals in shampoo and had switched over to a more natural (think the brand Jason) shampoo and conditioner while pregnant with Abi.

One of the 'factors' a lot of blogs mentioned was the cost of natural and organic shampoo.  That hasn't ever been an issue for me.  With short super baby fine hair (read: female pattern baldness), and washing it only ever other day (per my hairdresser's recommendation), I can make a bottle of shampoo last well over a year.  In fact my last 16 oz bottle was closer to two years than not.

As fate would have it, I ran out of shampoo, and in my haste for something new and different ( the same scent for almost two years will do that to you!), I bought a bottle of Say Yes To Carrots at Walgreens without reading the label.  You would think that after all the times I've been burned by 'all natural' products I would have read the label.  But trying to manage three antsy children wasn't conducive to reading labels.  Oh, and I didn't even smell it.  BIG MISTAKE!

It has several things that met my disapproving eye after the first use.  I hated the scent, it burned my eyes, and no I didn't get any shampoo in them.  When I read the label I saw that it had 'fragrance' listed.  Egads, no wonder my eyes were bugging me!  Like my parents, perfume and artificial scents really bug me.

I kept trying to use that shampoo, and finally I just said, enough!  Why should I suffer through a hot shower that is intended to bring me peace and relaxation?

So I started reading some more blogs.  I opted to not do the vinegar rinse for my hair.  It is so fragile as it is.  I cannot use heat on it more than once a week or it gets brittle and frizzy.  My hairstyles are pretty limited, having thinning hair, and fragile to boot.

I read that sometimes your hair can take up to two weeks to adjust to not being shampooed.  I was pretty nervous about that.  I enjoy wearing my bandanas, but I didn't want to have to wear them for two weeks straight!

I feel pretty lucky that I only had a few days adjustment period.  Now whenever my hair starts to look really oily, I just rub in some of my baking soda water in the shower and then rinse it out.  I love that my hair isn't dry or frizzy after washing it like it previously was when using shampoo.  In case you're curious, I gave up conditioner well over two years ago.  It was too heavy for my hair and weighed it down something fierce.

A common recipe for the baking soda and vinegar rinses are 1 tsp baking soda mixed in 8oz of water.  In a separate bottle is the same ratio for the vinegar (typically an apple cider vinegar).  For myself, I did 1 tsp of baking soda to 16oz of water.  I just put it in my old shampoo bottle (you know that one that I used for nearly two years?), and put it directly on my scalp.  Rub in as a head massage, and rinse under the delightful hot sprays from the shower head.

Oh yeah, and to make it fun for myself, I put a few drops of geranium rose oil.  Smells like the bath oil beads my mom used when I was a kid!

Lizzi's Birth Story

Lizzi turns four tomorrow.  Not sure where how she got to be so grown up, but she is!  Her birth story is one that spans across a few days.  During which time I didn't get hardly any sleep.  In fact by the time she was in my arms, they were so weary I could hardly hold her head up to nurse her for the first time.  I was terrified I would drop her from sheer exhaustion.  Somehow we made it through those first few moments, and she didn't take a spill out of my arms.  For a long time I disliked her birth story, it was semi-traumatic for me.  But in time I realized that sometimes to appreciate what we have, we need to struggle.  With Abi I had the textbook natural childbirth.  Lizzi's had some twists in it, that if I knew then what I knew now, might not be there.  However, it is what it is, and it shaped me, and while it was an epic struggle at the time, I now see all the blessings.  Here is her story written just days after her earthside journey...

When I went to see Barbara (midwife) on Friday the 5th, I found out that I was four cm dilated and 50% effaced.  She told me that since I got that far with basically no braxton hicks that when labor started I needed to boogie on down to the hospital or I might not make it in time  (We lived in Kearney and would have to travel to hastings for the birth where our midwife practiced).  I went home thinking "I just want to be able to go to my party tomorrow and labor can start anytime after that."  So Saturday (the 6th) I went to my baby shower party and had a wonderful time being blessed by the beautiful women in our lives.  We asked Grandma Rose to stay a while longer to watch Abi so we could get my homecoming outfit and the big sister gift.  We got back about two hours later, and I had this feeling like I should get our bags ready (my duedate was the 17th, and we lived in a tiny house so I didn't feel any rush on getting bags packed).  I started getting achy and thought "maybe contractions"  but wasn't sure until I laid down with Abi right before 10pm.  After I got up I called Rachel (best friend since being college roomies, now the kids' Godmama!) to put her on alert and then around 11 called the midwives--Rebecca was on duty--she said I could come in whenever I wanted, I could always leave if labor died out.  So Rachel came and took Abi around 12:30 to drop her off at Rose's.  We headed out shortly thereafter and got to the hospital at 2am.  By the time we got through the admissions process and nurses questions it was 3:30, as we had an especially friendly and chatty nurse.  She suggested that we try to rest as labor wasn't very strong.  So Phil went to the visitors lounge and Rachel slept in the chair.  I tried to rest, but my legs and back ached, so at 4am I got up and started pacing the halls.  At 5am I got in the tub sore and tired just looking for some relief.  I did manage to nod off for about an hour.
Since my labor was dying they brought up the possibility of rupturing my membranes and that Rebecca would be in between 7:30-8 to talk about it.  Rachel and I discussed what we knew about what could happen and at 7:15 I said 'let's go talk to Phil before they come.'  So we did and about 7:30 Rita my nurse came in.  When she mentioned the risk of prolapsed cord followed with a C-section since you weren't engaged I was like 'no way, let's just leave.'  In order to leave I had to be hooked up to the monitors to make sure we were both doing ok.  For a while your heart was tachicardic and Rita said that if we could not get that down soon we'd have to do a cesarian.  Those comments caused my blood pressure and pulse to go through the roof!  So I asked for my music and I laid down.  It took about 10 minutes for us to get calmed down, but we did and we left to walk walmart at about 10am.  We left about an hour later to go to Roses as we were exhausted (and I promised Rita to stay close) and I was just hurting not laboring.  So we went to Roses and I slept for about an hour and a half.
I wanted to see if walking would start my labor up, so Phil, Abi, and I went to the mall.  I walk for a good hour and finally confirmed my suspicions--that I was leaking amniotic fluid.  When we got back to Rose's, I checked the internet and found that, yes, I needed to let my health care provider know.  So I called Rebecca about a half hour after my contractions started again.  She was surprised that as a second time mom that my waters didn't break.  But she told me that once I came in I couldn't leave the hospital without a baby in my arms.  I made up my mind to stay at Roses as long as possible because I didn't want my labor to stop again.  At 9pm I said it is time to go.  I had Phil run in the hospital and have them bring me a wheelchair because I didn't think I could walk in.  Again my contractions were slowing down and I was only 6cm dilated (which is where I was the first time admitted) and had some cervical lip in the front.  So Rebecca suggested walking to make the contractions stay strong and to lean forward with each contraction so your head (which was engaged but not wedged into place) would thin out the rest.  After about 2.5 hours or walking and soaking in the jacuzzi I took the offer to see how far dilated I was.  Much to my utter discouragement I was still only 6cm.  The first check Rebecca had offered to rupture my waters which I declined as I wasn't yet ready for interventions.  But when she offered again I was ready.  It took Phil some convincing, but when I told him how tired I was and scared that if I kept going I wouldn't have enough energy to push you out, he said let's do it.  So we popped the rest of my waters and like Rebecca said, it came hard and fast.  And I guess an hour and a half later you were born.  When it got hard and heavy it felt like a vise grip around my middle and back since I finished so fast it rushed my body to spread my hips so they really hurt.  It seemed like I alternated yelling out about  my hips and back.  I couldn't get comfy at all, every position either my back hurt too much or my legs and hips would cramp.  All I wanted was to sit on the toilet or lay on my stomach, which of course weren't options.  So I took the least offensive-hands and knees.  Except I was leaning so far forward on the pillows that I wasn't pushing effectively so Phil and Rachel would help me up and hold me so I could focus on pushing.  I wore a mask for a while as I was hyperventilating.  It helped me calm down and focus.  After I pushed your head out they kept saying the hard part is done just one or two more pushes for the body.  I was expecting you to slide on out like Abi did so when they kept telling me to push I thought 'can't you just pull it out?  I did the hard part!'  But I did push you out, and since your cord was very short (13inches!) they slid you up between my legs and rolled us over.  You were pretty blue and needed oxygen for 4 minutes and you weren't crying, just whimpering. Bad I guess because you can't clear your lungs without screaming, so they had to make you mad.  I started hemorrhaging and received a shot of pitocin.  My pulse was still high which is bad and I almost had to have something rectally to finish stopping the bleeding.  Thankfully it came down ok on it's own.  And finally I got to just enjoy you my 9lb 5oz baby.  Phil was taking wagers on your size but I didn't say because I didn't want to have the wrong number stuck in my head.  But you were so beautiful with all of that hair and your quiet whimpers.

Extras--I am always amazed at the time warp while in labor.  I felt like it took hours to push lizzi out, when in fact according to our video it was 6 minutes 31 seconds!

If you have ever watched Bill Cosby Himself, there is a part where he says 'put it back, it isn't done cooking yet'.  I felt like that when I saw Lizzi's face for the first time.  She had lots of blotches and had scratched herself badly in utero.  I had a hard time bonding with her at first, but then came to noticed that loving her was like putting on your favorite jeans and sweatshirt.  You don't remember when they first became comfortable and your favorite, but you know that you feel at home when you wear them.  And that's how our relationship has been for the most part.  Two people who just understand each other.  I rarely have struggles with her, it's just peaceful, and I hope it stays that way for a long time!

Thus far Lizzi is what I consider my fat baby.  Even though Wesley weighed over a pound more (10lb 8oz), she was a little ball of fat rolls.  And she had the fatest baby checks that we've ever seen.  When I think of chubby cherubs I think of Lizzi!

The ending line of her letter after the story is as such:
I love you so much Lizzi, may you grow in sweet serenity!

Abscence

Sorry to those of you who have been checking in faithfully waiting for a post from me!  It's been a whirlwind couple of weeks.  A few times I tried to start a post, but it all seemed so trivial and mute in light of what I was struggling through that I just couldn't find the purpose of even trying.  So I didn't.

What happened you ask?  My mom was diagnosed with Cancer shortly after the last post.  And while I was actually prepared to hear those words, I wasn't.  Even if you think you are ready, it still hits you like a punch to the gut.  I raged at the awfulness of Adam eating that dang apple and cursing the rest of humanity with sin and the ravages that come.  I cried, in fact I sobbed in the arms of a dear friend whose mom went through a similar journey.  I cried out to the Lord in terror at the thought of losing my mom.  I am blessed in that I've not lost anyone to death.  All of my grandparents are still alive, so the thought of my  mom being the first was not a welcome one.  The good news is that they caught it in early stages and are predicting a 95% rate of success.  She already had her first treatment on Monday, without any side effects, Praise God!

That night after getting the news I was at Bible study and a book was brought mentioned.  My friend has mentioned book so many times that I almost turn a deaf ear!  But the Spirit had other plans for me, and He prompted me to ask to borrow and read it.  I did, and practically devoured it.  This book is probably not what you would expect someone who just found a beloved one has cancer to want to read.  It is called He Came To Set The Captives Free by Rebecca Brown MD.  It's about spiritual warfare, and God revealed a lot to me about what goes on in the spirit realm.  Because of that book, the Holy Spirit had me cleaning out a lot of closets, both literally and figuratively.  I am so thankful that I listened to the Spirit and read that book, it has brought me to a whole new level in my relationship with my Maker (and gave me a peace in regards to mom's cancer)!

I did read the companion sequel Prepare for War, another excellent read.  Now that I've read some pretty heavy material, I'm switching over to something a bit lighter, the next book in the Patrick Bowers series.  The Bishop, only a few chapters in, but again another thrilling novel that I have to pull myself away from and return to real life duties.

I did get Wesley's quilt finished a few weeks ago.  It turned out great!  I opted to not put the turtle appliques on as the fabric just didn't look right against the rest of the quilt.  My favorite part (aside from being done!) was the contrast stitching on the satin edging.  I was hesitant to try, but Phil encouraged me to use it.  Lime green threads on the white edging.  I know it sounds kinda out there, but it looks wonderful, and you'll see what I mean if I ever wrangle the camera away from Phil and get some pictures taken.  Or better yet, have him take them!

I promised myself that I couldn't start a new project until Wesley's quilt was finished.  Now that it is, I've got a few things ready to go.  First started (but now on hold until Christmas projects are completed) is a t-shirt dress.  My SIL gifted me with a card good at JoAnn's.  Since our store is relocating, and everything was 1/2 off or more, I scored two different fabrics totally 3yrds only costing me 16 cents.  I have the waistband all cut out, my shirt marked and ready to be snipped.  The tutorial I am using is from Elle's Apparel.  Why reinvent the wheel, when so many others have done it better than I ever could!  Here's the link if you wanted to see her blog.  Gorgeous clothes, I'd love to try her maxi skirt someday too!

http://elleapparel.blogspot.com/2010/12/winter-shirt-dress.html

Earlier this week, Phil told me how many days until Christmas.  I kinda freaked out, because I have a long list of things that I want to sew for the children (and us!) instead of buying.  I love homemade gifts, and want to pass that onto my kiddos.  My mom has made us ornaments every year since for about 20 years, give or take.  And no duplicates either, isn't that amazing!?!  Here is what's on my list to sew up-- holiday dresses for the girls, ties for the gents, doll sling for Wesley, doll clothes for the girls.

Did I mention it was barbie doll dresses?  I know, I know, call me a hypocrite.  I've always sworn I wouldn't allow barbies in my home.  And then magically mom produced a whole plethora of items when she found out I loved sewing--patterns, buttons, old jeans, and a box containing two old fashioned barbies (with shoes that my girls will never know about!), patterns, and enough fabric to fill an entire barbie sized amour.  For as much as I loathe barbie, my girlies cannot get enough of her.  So I figured--hey, what a great Christmas gift, and it won't cost me anything, except the time to do what I enjoy!  Umm, did I mention that sewing seams that are the size of my pinkie nail are a bit outrageous?  No?  Well, consider it mentioned.  Let's just say that my first dress was supposed to be a two arm diddy, ended up being an over the shoulder one are gown.  The perfectionist in me would rather burn it than give it as a gift.  The husband said it looked great and that they would love it.  And I decided that since it actually fit the doll, and she has a little stoll to keep her other shoulder warm, that it would measure up just fine as a gift.  One dress down at least 3 more to go!

The coolest thing that I learned from doing that dress is hand sewing on the machine.  I don't know what the technical term is for it, so if you do, please enlighten me.  Basically I was getting frustrated over how fast the machine was (at it's slowest) with the teeny amounts of fabric I was working with.  It dawned on me that I could just turn the wheel (again, you can see I'm all about technical terms today!), and the machine would sew it for me, at a pace I could keep up with since I was the one turning the crank!  I sewed half the dress that way, and it worked wonders on my attitude towards the project.  Now I'm excited for the kids to go to sleep tonight so I can (hand) crank out another one!

Ok, I know this is a mega post, so I'll just end it with a link to what's simmering in my crockpot.  I'm hoping it turns out ok since my 'roast' wasn't firm enough to mold, might just have to stick it under the broiler for a few mins to help with the texture.
http://veganplanet.blogspot.com/2008/03/slow-cooker-seitan-pot-roast.html

What's for dinner at your home?