Saturday I woke up feeling tired, worn down and burned out. I thought it would be wise to tell Phil right off the bat so he would know and could help me get to a better place. Not realizing that he wasn't feeling to swell either, I got grumped at. Given my state of mood, I took deep offense and went into my safeguard of being passive aggressive. Every little thing he did I saw negatively, and we just fed off of each other. I went to bed that night feeling worse than I had when I woke up.
Sunday I was hopeful would be better. Thankfully I had gotten a better night sleep, and I could at least see that Phil wasn't doing so swimmingly. Sunday mornings are usually fraught with troubles, and it is all we can do to make it to church with everyone alive, unbeaten, fed and dressed. I, however was still mad at Phil, and everything he did just annoyed me greater. Then this song was played, and it started working on me.
I love how the Spirit just whispers my faults out to me. Sometimes I need the 2x4 to the head moments, but generally a whisper will catch my attention. He said I'm taking you deeper. I didn't really get the meaning of that and just continued on my (not so) merry way. After lunch my friend Heidi called, I had forgotten my leftovers at her place. Normally I would just swing by in the late afternoon, but that day I welcomed the opportunity to escape. After blahing all over her (so thankful for a friend who can handle my raving!) and chilling for more than the appropriate 'be back in a bit' timeline I gave my family, I headed back. Again the Spirit whispered to me 'I wish you would talk to me like you do with Heidi'. Guilty as charged. I'm notorious for laying out my thanks and helps before the Father but rarely do I go deeper than that. Myriads of reasons, but none hold any merit.
'God, you've got to give me your strength and love because I've got none to offer to that man I married'. I walked in the door and Phil says welcome back but without a smile on his face. Still wounded I sarcastically shoot back to 'not be so welcoming or I might just want to stay'. Again grabbed by the Spirit to love that man I came back into the room telling him that I thought he was mad by the look on his face. Phil apologized that his face didn't relay what his words and intentions were. A sorely needed balm to my soul right there those words were.
I'm not sure when, but sometime within the next day I heard on the radio that marriage is not intended to be what you get out of it, but what you give to your spouse. Aaaand there's the 2x4 moment. This relationship isn't about him cooking for me, picking up his socks (but that would be nice!), or being my prince charming. Sure those are all lovely and noble attributes and I love when he loves me, but that's not the point of marriage. I am to be Phil's helpmeet and God is to be my everything. I need to follow the example of Christ and love my man even through our unloveable moments.
I really wish that there was a way to impress upon this surface the depth and feeling of the emotions that have surrounded this story. The song still speaks deeply to me and is charged with a message of more oceans to come. I have only started swimming.
No comments:
Post a Comment