My final farewell to Grandpa

Today, December 5, I said my last goodbye to my Grandpa.  It was just as amazing as it was when Grandma passed with God's timing so beautifully woven in the story.

Dad called midmorning to tell me that Grandpa hadn't been out of bed for days and was unresponsive.  One of my dad's various vocations is a hospice preacher, so I knew what he was talking about when he said the phrases 'death rattle' and 'skin breaking down'.  We discussed what times would be best for him to call me with the news of Grandpa's passing.  I can be mysteriously calm and contained when getting hard messages over the phone.  That all changes when I hang up.  I was really shook up.  Even though I had been prepping myself for months now (could it be that long?  It sure doesn't seem it) I was still shellshocked to hear the news.  I quickly sent an email to Phil assuming that would help pacify me.  It didn't, and the tears started to well up.  Thankfully, Lizzi wanted to do a piano lesson (which she hasn't in weeks), so I quick set her up with the next video and went to call Heidi.

Heidi is my soul sister and I cannot convey the depth of how much I love her.  She has walked beside me through so many of life's trials, and true to form she answered her phone and listened.  When I told her that I was kicking myself for saying 'see you on December 23' instead of 'I love you' to Grandpa she suggested that I call and have them put the phone up to his ear so I could say those things.  I'm not sure what my response was, but I'm guessing I must have said I just wanted to jump in the car and go.  Trouble was that Phil had the van.  My sweet friend offered to come right away to pick us up, keep the kids, and take me to Phil's school so I could go.  I hesitated but Heidi pushed me.  She had just been through the same situation just a few weeks prior with her uncle and insisted that she was so glad to have done it, and she didn't want me to regret not going.

 I accepted and flew into action.  Called my mom and through my tears explained that I needed to come and say goodbye.  Mom said 'you know you're always welcome'.  Called Dodge Elementary to inform them that Lizzi would not be attending.  Called Westridge and was patched through (immediately and without question) to Phil to tell him that I was coming to take the van.  Loaded the diaper bag and packed the kids a lunch as Heidi would keep Lizzi and Wesley.  Grabbed a box of tissues as I couldn't stop crying and my key to the van and away we went.

Phil called as we were on the way and said he was trying to get a sub so he could go with me and not to leave Westridge until I had talked to him again.  As I was buckling Miles into his carseat Phil called back and said they weren't able to get a sub for him and he was sorry that he couldn't go, drive safely, and I love you.  Still crying I headed out of town.  A fuse blew in the van on Monday which has left our radio down and out.  As I kept crying I thought to myself that I needed to gain some composure so I wasn't a complete blubbering fool when I reached Grandpa's door.  I reached for the phone and called Rebecca.  Thank the Lord for good friends!  I got to reconnect with her, laugh, listen, and calm down.  I chatted with her the whole way there until we lost connection five miles outside of town.  Those final miles allowed me to think through what I wanted to say to Grandpa.

I got there and went inside, Mom and Aunt Connie embraced us.  We talked while I nursed Miles then Mom asked if I'd like to go back.  Yes, I did.  With some trepidation I followed her.  I was shocked when I saw Grandpa laying in bed.  This was not the same man I had just seen six days before.  I could see that death was right around the corner.  He gurgled as he breathed and it was a labored breathing at that.  It stunned me silent and I was grateful for my mom's chatting so I could catch myself.  She took Miles and they walked around the room and played peek a boo with their reflections as I started talking.

I took Grandpa's hand and told him
'Grandpa, it's Alicia.  I know that you didn't want me to see you like this, but I had to come and say I love you one more time.  I know how much you love your grandchildren, so I wanted to let you know that two years ago we had a twin miscarriage.  We named them Zara Amethyst and Caeles Jasper.  Zara means shining star, and amethyst is one of the jewels God used to build the heavens.  Caeles means heavenly dweller and jasper is another gem that God used to build the new Jerusalem.  When you get there, you give them a hug for me and tell them that I love them.  And to Grandma to.  Grandpa, I want you to know that I'm not going to remember you like this, I'm going to remember all the good times that we had playing cards, and how I never beat you at Chinese checkers.  I'm going to remember going for rides in your Mill and wearing your big ear protectors, eating apples together as we rode together in the truck.  Getting corn and shucking it together.  Grandpa, I'm going to miss these hands of yours, and how you made me feel like I was your favorite grandchild (when I said that his shoulders heaved as if you say to me you are, because everyone is their grandpa's favorite and we all know it).  I'm going to miss your hugs Grandpa (I stood here and gave him a long teary hug, and then kissed the side of his forehead).  I'm going to miss you Grandpa...I love you Grandpa...goodbye.'

There were so many other memories that I wanted to share with him, but I couldn't say anymore to him through my tears.  I reached for the tissues by his bedside, blew my nose and said I love you one more time.  Then I cried on my mom's shoulder.

Shortly, right as I was getting ready to go, Mom came out and said 'Connie I think dad's passed'.  We rushed back there and as we crossed the door's threshold he gasped again.  I stood in the corner and watched as Mom stroked his shoulders, Aunt Jane held his hand, and Aunt Connie his feet.  They all started talking to him.  Dad go, Mom's waiting.  Go Dad, it's ok, Jesus is waiting.  Take your time Dad, we're not going anywhere.  I decided right or wrong, I was going to go sit on the bed and hold his other hand.  Miles just sat there quietly on my lap the whole time.  I stayed silent and just stroked his hand.  Those big hands that have loved me so much through my life.  I looked up at those three sisters and saw such pain, relief, and joy that Grandpa was almost done suffering.  Aunt Connie checked his pulse and could barely get a reading of 20.  She said My peace I give you, Aunt Jane tried singing Jesus loves me, I don't remember what my mom said, but I saw her tenderly close his eyes.  One last breath and then he was still.  A minute later his jaw twitched and then we knew for certain he was gone.  We all cried and hugged and were so happy for Grandpa to be at peace.  The sacredness of what I witnessed and participated in hit me, and I thanked them each for the honor to sit and hold his hand as he hand as he passed from our arms into Jesus'.

When I close my eyes, I see my hand that looks so tiny in his big one.  I have such peace knowing that I got to say goodbye to him, and hold his hand as he died.  Envisioning him young and pain free, and dandling my babes on his knees brings such joy to my heart.  I look forward to the day when I go home to heaven and get to see Grandpa again.  I can just see him, hugging me, holding my hand, and presenting me before our Heavenly Father.  What a blessed day that will be.