When God Calls You Out

This morning as I was reading my devotional book and my Bible, God called me out.  You see, since the miscarriage I've struggled with my eating again.  Sneaking cookies and spoonfuls of sweetness when no one was looking, feeling compelled to binge.  Earlier this week the Spirit convicted me of my wrongdoing.  Yet the last two days I've found myself wandering back towards those yummies.  I wasn't hungry, it didn't even taste good, it was a sad waste of treats.  I justified it to myself that I was emotionally eating and 'dealing' with the pain of my loss.  But really my heart was giving God the finger.  So while I felt guilty and had this phrase in my back pocket and on my mind--Don't compromise My best for you for a moment of passion--I just didn't care.

I think that God got tired of being subtle about my sin because the words just seemed to jump off the page and scream at me:

     My Princess....Freedom Is A Choice

     So if the Son sets your free, you will be free indeed.  John 8:36

      I long to give you the keys to be free from the things that bind you and see you break through to a blessed life in Me.  But your freedom is a choice...your choice.  You can be totally free in Me or try to set yourself free.  I promise, My princess, I am the only One who can give you the life-giving keys you need and want. The keys are hidden in My Word, empowered by your prayer, and completed by the work of My Holy Spirit living in you.  Choose the way, My love....choose life.

Love,

Your King and your freedom

Ok God, you got my attention here.  How I have always longed to be free of my disordered eating.  I have loathed myself and those choices that I have made that imprisoned me, and have known that I cannot escape on my own.  I tried for years to dig myself out, but only managed to dig deeper.  I know that it is not possible to escape an eating disorder by my own power.  And here is the reason why (well, for me at least)--my disorder was born out of rebellion.  Oh sure at the beginning it was a comfort and a coping mechanism, but once I knew the truth and could have been set free by God's hand of mercy and grace, I choose chains.  As this revelation dawned on me, that I wasn't emotionally eating, that I was sinning, I  set down the devo book and cracked open my Bible.

Psalm 32 (and it couldn't get any more fitting than this!)

Oh, what joy for those

    whose disobedience is forgiven, 

    whose sin is put out of sight!

Yes, what joy for those

    whose record the LORD has cleared of guilt,

    whose lives are lived in complete honesty!

When I refused to confess my sin,

    my body wasted away,

    and I groaned all day long.

Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.

    My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.

Finally I confessed all my sins to you

    and I stopped trying to hide my guilt.

I said to myself, "I will confess my rebellion to the LORD."

    And you forgave me!  All my guilt is gone.

Therefore, let all the godly pray to you while there is still time,

    that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgement.

For you are my hiding place;

    you protect me from trouble.

    You surround me with songs of victory.

The LORD says, "I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.

    I will advise you and watch over you.

Do not be like a senseless horse or mule

    that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control."

Many sorrows come to the wicked,

    but unfailing love surrounds those who trust the LORD.

So rejoice in the LORD and be glad, all you who obey him!

    Shout for joy, all you whose hearts are pure!

I quickly confessed my sin of gluttony and rebellion to God and told him that I might need that bit and bridle until I can be a bit more wielding to His hand.  Instantly, the burden of guilt and shame and confusion was gone.  Tears filled my eyes as I thanked my Creator.  I told him that sometimes I wish that He would kill me with his vengence rather than drown me in his Love.  Because His wrath I am so deserving, but this unsatiable love that my God has for me is not only uncomfortable it is downright painful.  I am so unworthy to have him even look at me, and yet He does, tenderly look at me, and shower me with His favor!  

And so, I've been called out once again.  I have to wonder, what is it that God has in store for me?  I figure that there has to be a reason that He keeps bringing me near to Him instead of 'smiting' me!