I am so very thankful that my friends are the complete opposite of Job's! Almost everyone just listened and said they were sorry. And that was just what I wanted and needed to hear. That they were sorry I had to go through this experience, sorry that I was hurting, sorry that my babies were gone. It never got old to hear 'I'm sorry'.
I did hear some well meant comments, but they sting deeply, much like the comments that Job's friends made:
"Just be thankful for the ones that you do have"--yes I am thankful for the children I have here to watch and grow up, but that doesn't mean I didn't want the ones that I lost!
"You can always have more"--yes, I assume that God will bless me with more, but again, I wanted those babies.
"The power of the mind and spoken word are quite powerful"--gasp if you will, but I did have someone insinuate that I thought the miscarriage into existence, and once I spoke the word it came to be. I do not believe that our minds can come up with thoughts and that we can speak them into existence. I am not God, I cannot just say 'tree grow' and have it happen. You may disagree with me, but please, don't ever utter anything of the sort to a mom who just lost her baby!
"Perhaps there is a reason this baby couldn't come into your family because of something that is going to happen to you guys, like a job loss, or something major like that."--ok, so you are saying that my God has enough foresight to see that something awful is going to happen like Phil loses his job or our house burns down. But He doesn't have enough power to see us through it and so He kills our baby to make this potential situation easier? O.H. W.O.W.
and the one that made the top of the list:
"perhaps it was for the best"--besides wanting to punch this individual and walk away, there wasn't anything to do but smile, nod, and quickly terminate the conversation.
I know that the list seems lengthy, but you can be relieved to know that these were only from three different conversations. So, again, overall, I had great comforters!
Want to know how to be a great comforter yourself? Here are some great things you can say when someone is experiencing a loss in their life.
- I'm sorry for your loss
- I'm sorry that you are experiencing this pain
- I'm sorry that you are hurting
- I'm sorry that this happened
- I'm sorry
- I'm sorry
- I'm sorry
Ok, I think you get the gist. We humans have a hard time dealing with death, and we want to offer some sort of comfort, or reason, platitude, something. But the best thing that I have found that can be said is 'I'm sorry'.
Oh, Alicia, I can so relate. Platitudes do sting deeply and it sounds like you have heard some doozies. Know I continue to lift you up during this painful time.
ReplyDeleteexactly. I like the scenario of the young boy who, when after comforting grandpa at the loss of his wife was asked, "What did you do?" "I just helped him cry".
ReplyDeleteI love you and appreciate you SO much.
Amen, amen, amen, and amen to all of this. You are so right on, Alicia.
ReplyDeleteIllness, continuing on, has kept me from replying to your last email yet - but I will. One of these days, I will!
And in the meantime, I have not forgotten about you or your children. It thoroughly galls me that anyone comes close to suggesting you aren't appreciating your living children when you miss the ones who have died. What a cruel, untrue, thoughtless thing to say!
And as for the comment that you somehow brought this to pass by your thoughts or words...boy, I love your answer. We are not God, and it is not in our hands to create life or death. That is "The Secret" (or, as I call it, the LIE) - but it is not the security we have in Jesus Christ. And thank goodness.
I'm glad most of your friends weren't Job's Comforters. And frankly, I have a little itch to "pitch in" to the few who were...
Glad you wrote this post, lots of love, and missing your babies with you,
Cathy Groves