Fresh Perspective

I will admit it, I struggle with my body image.  I don't do scales very well, the numbers going up and down even by tenths of a pound totally mess with my brain.  This struggle led to binge eating in high school, and as a young mom, bulimia.  Take heart in knowing that through Christ I have healing and victory!  I don't feel compelled to binge, and I don't struggle with bulimic thoughts anymore, and that is huge in my life.  I do however, still struggle with body image.  My brain still plays tricks on me, and I'm sure Phil gets annoyed with me asking if the same outfits look ok on me.

Suffice it to say, that I took a huge blow after losing Zara and Caeles.  Not only were my babies gone, but so was my body shape.  My breasts jumped up a whole cup size and I had mini engorgement to get through (so thankful for Wesley to be nursing still and help me out there!), and my waistline softened up by two whole inches.  I knew the day after Caeles left us that I had the postpartum jelly belly.  I had no idea how 'bad' it was until I tried to wear my jeans once I started to feel better.  Couldn't even put them on, talk about shock!  Nervously I got out my tape measure and checked, and was shocked and angered to see it read two inches more than normal.

I cried, I ranted and raved, I moped and whined.  How unfair it was that I hadn't even been showing the world that I was carrying life and now I have to deal with a flabby tummy.  To be perfectly honest (and to sound super conceited) this new body of mine is what has been one of the hardest things to come to terms with.  Yes I lost my babies, and I miss them, and what could have been.  But they are in heaven!  I can't stay upset about that too long when I think about the eternal joy they are experiencing right now.

But this body, ugh.  I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror.  It's like the constant reminder of my loss.  I try and take the least amount of time to get ready now so I don't have to face myself.  I'm sure I look pretty pathetic, but just don't tell me ok?

This morning though, for some strange reason, I took a close look.  And I am so glad that I did.  I looked at my breasts now spilling over because my bras don't fit anymore.  I looked at the saggy, wrinkly flabby, muffin top- if- I- try- to- wear- anything- without- elastic- belly.  And the Spirit gave me a fresh perspective.  It almost brings me to my knees to think about it.  He told me to quit thinking about it as something ugly.  It's not a scar, it's a beautiful reminder that I CARRIED LIFE.  It might have been brief, but there were two precious children that resided within me.  Yes their time was way too short in my life, but they were there, and I love them, and I know they love me.  I am blessed to be able to carry life, not every woman can.  

Instead of griping or getting angry about how I look like now, I'm going to try and be thankful for the visual reminder of Zara and Caeles' presence in my life.  I don't have any pictures, toys, clothes, footprints, or id bracelets of theirs.  Nothing physical to pull out of a box to remember them by.  All I have left of their them is my belly.  I can look down or in a mirror at any time of day and see that.  And I can remember that I carried them, briefly in my body, but now forever in my heart.