Big Feelings in a Little Body

This lil guy had what I would categorize as his first big fit.  Yesterday for reasons unclear to us he went from contentedly playing at my feet to screaming crawling and crying all the same time.  When he started crying I said come here Miles which unleashed the angry baby who then proceeded to scream and crawl forwards then backwards then sit and repeat.  I got up and picked him up and cradled him in my arms.  As he looked at me with scared tear stained eyes I asked did you have some big feelings there baby.  Miles responded by giving me his oh face and then screamed some more.  I just held the poor dear a bit tighter and told him it was ok we all have big feelings sometimes and that I was here to help him work through it.

He finally calmed down and then nursed like a newborn with such large searching eyes.  If this is a foreshadowing of what is to come, we are in for quite a ride!

Oh, and lest you find it cruel that we took this picture while he was going through his first big emotional upheaval, you can rest easy knowing that Phil snapped this picture a few nights prior when Miles started crying because I walked down the stairs without him!

Light Night

Today is a day I look forward to as soon as people put up their Christmas lights (yes, even the ones on before thanksgiving).  It is the anniversary of Phil's and mine first date.  Today marks our twelfth year of going out and looking at lights.

Our story as a couple is kind of funny and we enjoyed going over the memories at lunch.  He had asked me out on a date for a few reasons.  Pity being one and giving me (who had never dated) a positive dating experience for the other.  I know, quite romantic, eh?  Don't worry, he has made it up to me since over the years.

We were really good friends at the time so I had told him that if he was going to take me out it had better be something other than sitting around and watching tv together.  I was assured that plans would be made.  For dinner we went to the cafeteria.  I had conflicting thoughts, did he make any plans or was he just saving his money for afterwards?  We went back to Phil's dorm and I was getting quite suspicious that no plans had been made.  After watching a show I asked what the plan was to which I got a surprised look and I thought this would be fine.  I said come on Phil this is my first date, I want to do something!  I said why don't you drive me around and look at Christmas lights.  He begrudgingly put on his coat and we walked through the bitter cold to his car.  When it wouldn't start he grinned 'aww shucks, guess we can't go'.  To which I responded by pulling my keys out and dangling them in his face saying he could drive my car.  Realizing he wasn't going to get out of it, Phil took my keys and my arm and away we went driving around the town looking at the lights.

We have gone out every year since, braving a newborn baby one year and blizzard on another to do so.  The matter of the fact is that this day is more special to us than our wedding anniversary.  We both agreed that when one of us dies this beloved day will be more difficult to bear than the others birthday or anniversary.  It not only marks the beginning of our relationship as a couple, but it is a family affair now too.  We go out donning our pajamas and drive around listening to Christmas music.  We drive while shrieks of 'look at this one!', 'oh oh dad go down there!', and 'that one is my favorite!' resonate from the backseat.  We drive until the littles are asleep and the olders are tired of looking on and are quiet.  In that silence it's like we are  beginning all over again.  We are driving and holding hands like we did in college, with smiles on our faces, and hope for our years of growing old together.

So when you turn the lights on tonight, know they hold a very special spot in our hearts.

Blessing Behind the Lens

Yesterday when I was uploading the pictures for the Catan post, I stumbled across a picture of Grandpa on the card that I didn't know was there.  I quickly closed it out not ready to look at it.

Today my parents popped over for a visit.  They've never done that, and since we live so far away our visits are delicately orchestrated.  Mom just needed to get out of Grandpa's house for a bit, and see us and give me a hug.

I decided to look and see what Phil had captured completely unbeknownst by me.  Just when I thought I'd make it through this day with a dry eye, the flood gates burst open.  You see, the only regret I had was not taking a picture of my Grandfather's hands when I said goodbye.  I never told anyone that I wanted anything like that, so I know that God inspired Phil to take that photos perspective.    To have the last day (that we didn't know would be the last) we spent with Grandpa recorded is such a huge blessing.  Phil captured him exactly how I knew him, those big hands gently folded while lovingly looking on at his family.

Grandpa or Big Papa Dutch as the kids knew him celebrating Abi's birthday

Here's an insight on Grandpa's size.  At 86 he still stood 6 feet tall, wore a size 14 shoe, and my thumb wasn't even as large as his pinkie.  So his hands aren't distorted or out of proportion, they truly were that big.   He was my gentle giant and my heart aches the loss of his presence.   But this picture is my souls balm, and the sting of regret joyously fades into oblivion.

Settlers of Catan Tournament

Susan and Jason (Phil's sister and brother in law) held a settlers of Catan tournament Saturday night.  I was a bit nervous about how it would go for me.  Miles has been super clingy and mostly freaks out when I walk out of the room and he crawls while crying after me.  I figured that I would have to jostle him the whole night until he cried himself to sleep amidst my apologies.  However, Grandma decided she was up to the task of trying to care for him (alongside our other three and two of our nephews, she's amazing!) with the promise that if he got too bad she'd call and put the screaming babe on and I'd come running.

I also wasn't sure if I'd even enjoy myself.  Catan is a strategy game of which I'm not a fan.  As a personal rule of thumb I don't tend to play strategy games because I am not gifted in the long haul.  I play Catan to interact with Phil and his family, because I love him and his family that much.  It helps that I'm not absolutely horrible as there is a margin of luck involved by how the die falls.

 I was apprehensive about going because the guest list was rather long.   As the days go by (yes I said days and not months or years), I struggle more and more with social awkwardness border-lining on anxiety.  Phil knows as much, and I asked him to stay close to help ease my nerves.  We got there early so Phil could finish helping Jason make the trophy.  Phil's handyman skills never cease to amaze me, he is gifted at almost everything he tries his hand at.

The teaching round for those who had never played before was at that same time so Phil encouraged me to join in and we'd be partners.  That lasted all of about 2 minutes and when the guests started arriving he went to help host and socialize as Susan and Jason were doing the teaching.

Once the tournament got underway I was better.  I placed second at my table of four for the first round and fourth out of four for the last round.  It was better than I had anticipated.  Shockingly my total score was high enough to put me in a three way tie for the last chair of the final round.  I bowed out as it was well past ten and I knew Miles would be waking soon.  Plus I'm well known for not being a night owl so it was just as well.  It was a lot of fun in the end and the Catan cake that I helped Phil make was laughed at and loved by all.

The Catan Cake!  (Little Debbies Frosted in appropriate colors)

The teaching round

2nd round we found humorous as it was Susan, Jason, Phil and myself

Guests at table two

Guests at table three

Final Round

Final round- substitution as one player had to get on the road due to weather

The Winner--Jason--the host who got the most!
Also the rockin trophy that Phil helped create

All pictures curtesy of Phil and his new 'fish eye' lens.

My final farewell to Grandpa

Today, December 5, I said my last goodbye to my Grandpa.  It was just as amazing as it was when Grandma passed with God's timing so beautifully woven in the story.

Dad called midmorning to tell me that Grandpa hadn't been out of bed for days and was unresponsive.  One of my dad's various vocations is a hospice preacher, so I knew what he was talking about when he said the phrases 'death rattle' and 'skin breaking down'.  We discussed what times would be best for him to call me with the news of Grandpa's passing.  I can be mysteriously calm and contained when getting hard messages over the phone.  That all changes when I hang up.  I was really shook up.  Even though I had been prepping myself for months now (could it be that long?  It sure doesn't seem it) I was still shellshocked to hear the news.  I quickly sent an email to Phil assuming that would help pacify me.  It didn't, and the tears started to well up.  Thankfully, Lizzi wanted to do a piano lesson (which she hasn't in weeks), so I quick set her up with the next video and went to call Heidi.

Heidi is my soul sister and I cannot convey the depth of how much I love her.  She has walked beside me through so many of life's trials, and true to form she answered her phone and listened.  When I told her that I was kicking myself for saying 'see you on December 23' instead of 'I love you' to Grandpa she suggested that I call and have them put the phone up to his ear so I could say those things.  I'm not sure what my response was, but I'm guessing I must have said I just wanted to jump in the car and go.  Trouble was that Phil had the van.  My sweet friend offered to come right away to pick us up, keep the kids, and take me to Phil's school so I could go.  I hesitated but Heidi pushed me.  She had just been through the same situation just a few weeks prior with her uncle and insisted that she was so glad to have done it, and she didn't want me to regret not going.

 I accepted and flew into action.  Called my mom and through my tears explained that I needed to come and say goodbye.  Mom said 'you know you're always welcome'.  Called Dodge Elementary to inform them that Lizzi would not be attending.  Called Westridge and was patched through (immediately and without question) to Phil to tell him that I was coming to take the van.  Loaded the diaper bag and packed the kids a lunch as Heidi would keep Lizzi and Wesley.  Grabbed a box of tissues as I couldn't stop crying and my key to the van and away we went.

Phil called as we were on the way and said he was trying to get a sub so he could go with me and not to leave Westridge until I had talked to him again.  As I was buckling Miles into his carseat Phil called back and said they weren't able to get a sub for him and he was sorry that he couldn't go, drive safely, and I love you.  Still crying I headed out of town.  A fuse blew in the van on Monday which has left our radio down and out.  As I kept crying I thought to myself that I needed to gain some composure so I wasn't a complete blubbering fool when I reached Grandpa's door.  I reached for the phone and called Rebecca.  Thank the Lord for good friends!  I got to reconnect with her, laugh, listen, and calm down.  I chatted with her the whole way there until we lost connection five miles outside of town.  Those final miles allowed me to think through what I wanted to say to Grandpa.

I got there and went inside, Mom and Aunt Connie embraced us.  We talked while I nursed Miles then Mom asked if I'd like to go back.  Yes, I did.  With some trepidation I followed her.  I was shocked when I saw Grandpa laying in bed.  This was not the same man I had just seen six days before.  I could see that death was right around the corner.  He gurgled as he breathed and it was a labored breathing at that.  It stunned me silent and I was grateful for my mom's chatting so I could catch myself.  She took Miles and they walked around the room and played peek a boo with their reflections as I started talking.

I took Grandpa's hand and told him
'Grandpa, it's Alicia.  I know that you didn't want me to see you like this, but I had to come and say I love you one more time.  I know how much you love your grandchildren, so I wanted to let you know that two years ago we had a twin miscarriage.  We named them Zara Amethyst and Caeles Jasper.  Zara means shining star, and amethyst is one of the jewels God used to build the heavens.  Caeles means heavenly dweller and jasper is another gem that God used to build the new Jerusalem.  When you get there, you give them a hug for me and tell them that I love them.  And to Grandma to.  Grandpa, I want you to know that I'm not going to remember you like this, I'm going to remember all the good times that we had playing cards, and how I never beat you at Chinese checkers.  I'm going to remember going for rides in your Mill and wearing your big ear protectors, eating apples together as we rode together in the truck.  Getting corn and shucking it together.  Grandpa, I'm going to miss these hands of yours, and how you made me feel like I was your favorite grandchild (when I said that his shoulders heaved as if you say to me you are, because everyone is their grandpa's favorite and we all know it).  I'm going to miss your hugs Grandpa (I stood here and gave him a long teary hug, and then kissed the side of his forehead).  I'm going to miss you Grandpa...I love you Grandpa...goodbye.'

There were so many other memories that I wanted to share with him, but I couldn't say anymore to him through my tears.  I reached for the tissues by his bedside, blew my nose and said I love you one more time.  Then I cried on my mom's shoulder.

Shortly, right as I was getting ready to go, Mom came out and said 'Connie I think dad's passed'.  We rushed back there and as we crossed the door's threshold he gasped again.  I stood in the corner and watched as Mom stroked his shoulders, Aunt Jane held his hand, and Aunt Connie his feet.  They all started talking to him.  Dad go, Mom's waiting.  Go Dad, it's ok, Jesus is waiting.  Take your time Dad, we're not going anywhere.  I decided right or wrong, I was going to go sit on the bed and hold his other hand.  Miles just sat there quietly on my lap the whole time.  I stayed silent and just stroked his hand.  Those big hands that have loved me so much through my life.  I looked up at those three sisters and saw such pain, relief, and joy that Grandpa was almost done suffering.  Aunt Connie checked his pulse and could barely get a reading of 20.  She said My peace I give you, Aunt Jane tried singing Jesus loves me, I don't remember what my mom said, but I saw her tenderly close his eyes.  One last breath and then he was still.  A minute later his jaw twitched and then we knew for certain he was gone.  We all cried and hugged and were so happy for Grandpa to be at peace.  The sacredness of what I witnessed and participated in hit me, and I thanked them each for the honor to sit and hold his hand as he hand as he passed from our arms into Jesus'.

When I close my eyes, I see my hand that looks so tiny in his big one.  I have such peace knowing that I got to say goodbye to him, and hold his hand as he died.  Envisioning him young and pain free, and dandling my babes on his knees brings such joy to my heart.  I look forward to the day when I go home to heaven and get to see Grandpa again.  I can just see him, hugging me, holding my hand, and presenting me before our Heavenly Father.  What a blessed day that will be.

Potato Soup

http://southernfood.about.com/od/crockpotsoup/r/bl72c5.htm

I tell you, I just cannot get enough of this potato soup.  It is tasty enough to stand alone or add anything you desire.  I can (and sometimes do) eat this for three meals a day.  That probably explains how I can get through a triple batch with my family only eating it for one meal.
Last week I added leftover rice and chicken and it was a whole new soup.
Yesterday leftover spanish rice and taco meat went in and was a delight to my tongue.
Today refried beans, taco meat and tortilla chips were included with the potato soup.
Side note: tortilla chips are the perfect cracker for soup as they retain their crunchiness until the last bite, assuming that you get to sit down with your bowl without any interruptions.

Just as I start wondering what other leftovers I could add to have a whole new dish I ran out of that wonderful soup (sniff, sniff)!

My kitchen notes on this soup are as follows.  Use dried minced onions to spare myself the tears.  Shred the potatoes and carrots in my food processor in lieu of chopping.  Doing an extra spud or two so as to avoid needing to thicken the soup up with flour or cornstarch.  Tripling the batch to use the whole quart of cream I get at Sams Club.  Sadly a triple batch won't fit in my crockpot so I use my stockpot instead.  The good news is that the stockpot actually fits in my fridge without having to take out any shelves!

Next time you get a hankering for potato soup, I highly recommend trying this one.  While I can't claim the recipe as my own, it is now a frequent flyer in my winter menu rotation.

Guilt

Last night was a rough night.  I was up for a good portion of it trying to figure out why Miles was shrieking.  Nursing,  diaper change, vertical snuggling, teething tablets, and laying on daddy's chest brought no relief only more incessant and panicked wailing.  Finally at my wits and noticing that he kept jerking his legs (which made me think growing pains) I gave ibuprofen.  It kicked in and he was able to relax enough to sleep.  It was still fitful as he kept fidgeting and moaning.

Needless to say it was with great effort that I pulled myself out of bed to start my day with the Lord.  Coffee in one hand Bible in the other I read through the end of Daniel and Psalm 119.  I wanted to get my new testament portion in but my mind was having troubles focusing.  Thankfully the Holy Spirit gave me an elbowing and said 'hey read that again, you missed it'.  As my eyes back tracked this verse jumped off the page and into my heart.

1 John 3:20
Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything.

Let me tell you guilt is one of those well played cards in my head.  It is quite possibly the strongest emotion with I deal with from awaking in the morning until my brain shuts off at night.  And I do everything in my power to hide it away from the world.

Guilt over:

• not waking earlier to exercise
• taking too much time getting dressed
• not praying enough
• not reading as much scripture as I'd like if I pray too long
• not wanting to read the 'hard' parts of the Bible

This is just a small sampling, and I've not even been awake for an hour!

I know that I'm a perfectionist, I never knew just how hard I was on myself until God pointed out this verse to me.  As I've been snuggling Miles today (turns out he's sick hence the rough night) it's given me a lot of time to reflect on guilt's over bearing presence in my life.  I am so thankful that God is greater than my feelings.  I've built a nice little hideaway to shield myself away from the eyes of my Maker.  I realized He already knew ( gotta love those 'duh' moments in life!) but wanted me to see what I'd been doing to myself, and tear that fortress of guilt down.

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, and the next verse was a confirmation that I had been acquitted.

1 John 3:21

Dear friends, if we don't feel guilty, we can come to God with bold confidence.  

  

Now I'm on the journey towards grace and away from guilt...won't you join me?