Saturday morning I woke up crying and curious all at the same time. I had a dream about my grandma. While it was just a dream, I feel like perhaps it was a glimpse into eternity.
Grandpa, Aunt Connie and I were sitting at the card table chatting and playing Euchre. All of the sudden I looked up and saw Grandma walking down the hallway using a walker. I asked Connie if she saw anyone there, to which the reply was no. I set my cards down and watched Grandma come toward us. With each step she grew younger, by the time she passed by me the walker was gone. When she reached her chair she was youthful, slim, unburdened, healthy, and glowing. Suddenly a squeal of joy rang through the air 'Grandma!' and I saw a little girl around Lizzi's age run up and give her a big hug. Grandma tilted her head back and laughed heartily and hugged the girl back.
It was at this point that I woke up with tears streaming down my face. It was amazing to see my grandma at a time and age that I never knew. I have pondered who the girl is and have wondered if I was allowed to see my little angel baby Zara Amethyst. Whether it was an amazing dream or a heavenly sneak peek, I wanted to record it here for memory sake.
What do you think, was I just having an amazing dream or was I allowed a glimpse into heaven?
Monday, November 18, 2013
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Baby Bird
I fell in love with writing poetry many lifetimes ago in high school. I love the vivid imagery that succinct lines offer. I came across this little one that I wrote when Lizzi was a babe and wanted to share it here. As I read it I'm instantly transported back to her sweet babyhood remembering how she was as a nursling.
Baby bird
such big blue eyes
head bobbing
mouth open
close
open
small chirps
and then feeding frenzy.
Baby bird
such big blue eyes
snuggle down under my wing
secure in our warm nest
rest my sweet little babe.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Lessons from this sweater
See this rockin sweater? It's the first one that I made for myself. I learned a lot from making this beau't. Mistakes will be made, sometimes you can see what effect they have and sometimes you can't.
Not that I'm a stranger to hard work, but I couldn't believe how long this took me to make. About six months total. Of course I don't knit as much in the summer, but I tried because I knew that fall is a very short time and wanted it to be ready.
After going through my grandmas craft boxes I desired to not have so many unfinished projects in my life. It was hard at times (especially towards the end) to keep at it, not quit and lay it by the wayside, or start something new that was tickling my fancy.
In the end, after countless frustrations, mind numbing repetitions, continual pep talks, I have my very own super warm handmade sweater. With buttons from my grandma's collection as a reminder of her love and life that kept my eye on the finish line.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Change is Good
Tonight a shocker was revealed at the dinner table. Phil now likes breakfast burritos! For the course of our marriage (almost 11 years!) he hasn't been able to stomach breakfast burritos due to getting sick off of one in high school.
It was then that the motto change is good ran through my head, and I realized that yes it really is good. As a person who doesn't like change it has been good to reflect on some of the best happenings in my life because of change.
It was then that the motto change is good ran through my head, and I realized that yes it really is good. As a person who doesn't like change it has been good to reflect on some of the best happenings in my life because of change.
- a move from Washington state while in first grade to Nebraska landed me across the street from my grandparents.
- a move between two towns in high school allowed me to recreate myself and go from being a wall flower to a practiced extrovert.
- getting pregnant with Abi and moving to a new apartment where I met my lifelong friend Jess, who also helped me be successful in breastfeeding.
- being a vegetarian for nearly 7 years taught me how to cook, fight fair in marriage, and sensitivity to those with dietary restrictions
- the wonderful new friends I've met with our move to Grand Island wouldn't have happened without change
Even though our move is a few months away, I sometimes feel panicky knowing that another major life change is coming. I guess I need to dwell on my blessings and what I have to gain instead of the familiar I'm going to lose.
“Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.”
― St. Francis of Assisi
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.”
― St. Francis of Assisi
Monday, November 11, 2013
Family Veterans
Today is a day that warms my heart, puffs out my pride, and wets my eye. All of the patriotic songs that play are a reminder to how much is given by so many. I am so grateful to those veterans that I personally know. Both of Phils' grandfathers served in the Korean War. They don't speak of it often as it is a painful time in their past, but knowing that they left their families to protect and serve our country makes me awed for when they do.
My Dad served in the Navy for nearly nine years. Three of us first five children were born while he was in the service. Dad doesn't get to talk much about what he did as it's still all confidential. When he does I'm glad to get to hear about the pranks they pulled on each other to know that there was still fun and enjoyable moments.
My brother Ken is currently in the Army. He's been enlisted since Abi was born which means nine years is right around the corner. Ken's been to deployed Afganistan twice, and Korea for a year. He is currently in a simulated war scenario so I cannot call him today and thank him for his sacrifice. When we were kids he was bullied a lot, and I got to stand in the gap for him. Now he stands in for me in an even larger way, for my continued freedom.
If you have a loved one who has served or is serving for us and our country, please extend my thanks, as I experience firsthand what they have given up for us.
My Dad served in the Navy for nearly nine years. Three of us first five children were born while he was in the service. Dad doesn't get to talk much about what he did as it's still all confidential. When he does I'm glad to get to hear about the pranks they pulled on each other to know that there was still fun and enjoyable moments.
My brother Ken is currently in the Army. He's been enlisted since Abi was born which means nine years is right around the corner. Ken's been to deployed Afganistan twice, and Korea for a year. He is currently in a simulated war scenario so I cannot call him today and thank him for his sacrifice. When we were kids he was bullied a lot, and I got to stand in the gap for him. Now he stands in for me in an even larger way, for my continued freedom.
If you have a loved one who has served or is serving for us and our country, please extend my thanks, as I experience firsthand what they have given up for us.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Living with Less
Knowing that the home we're designing is smaller than our current one, I started going through our belongings. I was aware that we had too many possessions and was annoyed at trying to keep them all tidy and put away. I wanted to live with less. There were a few catalysts that helped me start the road toward what some call minimalism. I prefer the term simple living.
Visiting my aunt last spring who gives so much away and has a sparsely furnished home struck a chord in me. Her home was so peaceful and serene, I wanted some of that in my home.
Seeing how many boxes my grandma had stashed in her house, and closets stuffed to the brim and how much time and energy my mom and aunt have spent clearing it out was another.
A friend sharing the blog Becoming Minimalist and pictures of tiny homes with all their small but clean spaces really was the final shove I needed. Reading about how we become so wrapped up in managing our belongings that we spend more time and energy on organizing and maintenance than we do with what is important to us struck a nerve.
I knew that I worked harder at maintaining our home than I did being a mom. But wait a second, I'm a stay at home mom right? I realized in that moment that a more accurate title was house manager rather than mother. And it bothered me. It bothered me bad. What if I could spend less time cleaning and more time enjoying these little people God's blessed me with? Could it be true that if I had less things I would have more time for them?
I was in and ready to find out. In the last month I've been doing a lot of clearing out the house. Not just reorganizing closets but actually removing stuff from our lives. The first few boxes were really easy. My bookcase collapsed from the load it bore. Instead of trying to jam all the books back on, I went through and kept out only the ones I knew I would like to read again someday. The rest went to the library. Taking out the clothes that haven't fit for a few seasons was easy, and I was able to bless a friend who needed them. The kids let me go through their closets too as they were overwhelmed with too many choices. Amazingly Phil even let me go through his closet and get it cleaned up. I took out two trash bags worth of clothes and he hasn't mentioned it once about missing anything.
The family was up for the next level of the experiment, only enough dishes for 8. Previously the arrangement was the dishes would pile up from three meals during the day, Phil would load the dishwasher at night and Abi would empty it the next day. Abi complained almost daily about the task, and sometimes Phil wouldn't be able to load it. This would leave me with the unpleasant task of either dealing with the mess while waiting for him to get around to it or loading the dishwasher myself. We were all skeptical about how it would go, having to hand wash the dishes after each meal. I figured we'd last a week at the most. It's been a month. The kids haven't grumbled about needing to wash their dish after each meal, and I don't mind the by product of having a clean kitchen all the time. We have only used the dishwasher once in the last month and that was last weekend. Phil was willing to try it for a month. He hasn't mentioned anything about it and I'm not going to remind him!
Last week I went through my closet again. I had read a challenge to only have 33 items of clothing (read about it here: http://theproject333.com/). The premise is to only have the things that you love hanging in your closet. I ended up with 40 items in my closet that I love, two of which I'm still not convinced to keep but wasn't ready to part quite yet. It's been refreshing to just pull the next shirt and sweater out of the closet without wondering about whether I'll like my outfit and if it looks good on me or not. If you think that 40 items sounds like a lot, I challenge you to pull everything from your closet and only put back 40 just to see what it looks like. You don't have to give away the extras, you can tuck them away in the spare bedroom closet and bring them back if you miss anything.
I've been making meals more simple too. I used to love to come up with all sorts of fancy dishes. Perhaps again someday I will. For now though, I relish that making meals is quick and easy and doesn't dirty every bowl and pan I own. I know that the kids appreciate me not being in the kitchen as much because it lends to more time to play a game before daddy comes home from work. Miles has higher needs for me during dinner making time, so it's nice to meet his needs instead of putting him off, or sticking him in the highchair.
I know that it's only been a month into the experiment, but I'm liking what I'm seeing thus far. My counters are clean (even conquered my nemesis the island this week!), and my floor is less littered with toys. Pickup can be done in five minutes which we try and get done before Phil walks in the door. I love how I'm feeling too. Not so tired and exhausted in the evening. I start my day with confidence, no need to glance in the mirror and wonder about my outfit. I am refreshed walking out to our great room, no clutter, no dirty dishes, just clean spaces. It's the same feeling I get when I see a magazine cover, but I'm living in it. More time with the kids too, we're playing more, reading more, being together more. During that time with them, I'm not thinking about the next cleaning need, I'm there. And that's right where I want to be.
Visiting my aunt last spring who gives so much away and has a sparsely furnished home struck a chord in me. Her home was so peaceful and serene, I wanted some of that in my home.
Seeing how many boxes my grandma had stashed in her house, and closets stuffed to the brim and how much time and energy my mom and aunt have spent clearing it out was another.
A friend sharing the blog Becoming Minimalist and pictures of tiny homes with all their small but clean spaces really was the final shove I needed. Reading about how we become so wrapped up in managing our belongings that we spend more time and energy on organizing and maintenance than we do with what is important to us struck a nerve.
I knew that I worked harder at maintaining our home than I did being a mom. But wait a second, I'm a stay at home mom right? I realized in that moment that a more accurate title was house manager rather than mother. And it bothered me. It bothered me bad. What if I could spend less time cleaning and more time enjoying these little people God's blessed me with? Could it be true that if I had less things I would have more time for them?
I was in and ready to find out. In the last month I've been doing a lot of clearing out the house. Not just reorganizing closets but actually removing stuff from our lives. The first few boxes were really easy. My bookcase collapsed from the load it bore. Instead of trying to jam all the books back on, I went through and kept out only the ones I knew I would like to read again someday. The rest went to the library. Taking out the clothes that haven't fit for a few seasons was easy, and I was able to bless a friend who needed them. The kids let me go through their closets too as they were overwhelmed with too many choices. Amazingly Phil even let me go through his closet and get it cleaned up. I took out two trash bags worth of clothes and he hasn't mentioned it once about missing anything.
The family was up for the next level of the experiment, only enough dishes for 8. Previously the arrangement was the dishes would pile up from three meals during the day, Phil would load the dishwasher at night and Abi would empty it the next day. Abi complained almost daily about the task, and sometimes Phil wouldn't be able to load it. This would leave me with the unpleasant task of either dealing with the mess while waiting for him to get around to it or loading the dishwasher myself. We were all skeptical about how it would go, having to hand wash the dishes after each meal. I figured we'd last a week at the most. It's been a month. The kids haven't grumbled about needing to wash their dish after each meal, and I don't mind the by product of having a clean kitchen all the time. We have only used the dishwasher once in the last month and that was last weekend. Phil was willing to try it for a month. He hasn't mentioned anything about it and I'm not going to remind him!
Last week I went through my closet again. I had read a challenge to only have 33 items of clothing (read about it here: http://theproject333.com/). The premise is to only have the things that you love hanging in your closet. I ended up with 40 items in my closet that I love, two of which I'm still not convinced to keep but wasn't ready to part quite yet. It's been refreshing to just pull the next shirt and sweater out of the closet without wondering about whether I'll like my outfit and if it looks good on me or not. If you think that 40 items sounds like a lot, I challenge you to pull everything from your closet and only put back 40 just to see what it looks like. You don't have to give away the extras, you can tuck them away in the spare bedroom closet and bring them back if you miss anything.
I've been making meals more simple too. I used to love to come up with all sorts of fancy dishes. Perhaps again someday I will. For now though, I relish that making meals is quick and easy and doesn't dirty every bowl and pan I own. I know that the kids appreciate me not being in the kitchen as much because it lends to more time to play a game before daddy comes home from work. Miles has higher needs for me during dinner making time, so it's nice to meet his needs instead of putting him off, or sticking him in the highchair.
I know that it's only been a month into the experiment, but I'm liking what I'm seeing thus far. My counters are clean (even conquered my nemesis the island this week!), and my floor is less littered with toys. Pickup can be done in five minutes which we try and get done before Phil walks in the door. I love how I'm feeling too. Not so tired and exhausted in the evening. I start my day with confidence, no need to glance in the mirror and wonder about my outfit. I am refreshed walking out to our great room, no clutter, no dirty dishes, just clean spaces. It's the same feeling I get when I see a magazine cover, but I'm living in it. More time with the kids too, we're playing more, reading more, being together more. During that time with them, I'm not thinking about the next cleaning need, I'm there. And that's right where I want to be.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Oceans
Saturday I woke up feeling tired, worn down and burned out. I thought it would be wise to tell Phil right off the bat so he would know and could help me get to a better place. Not realizing that he wasn't feeling to swell either, I got grumped at. Given my state of mood, I took deep offense and went into my safeguard of being passive aggressive. Every little thing he did I saw negatively, and we just fed off of each other. I went to bed that night feeling worse than I had when I woke up.
Sunday I was hopeful would be better. Thankfully I had gotten a better night sleep, and I could at least see that Phil wasn't doing so swimmingly. Sunday mornings are usually fraught with troubles, and it is all we can do to make it to church with everyone alive, unbeaten, fed and dressed. I, however was still mad at Phil, and everything he did just annoyed me greater. Then this song was played, and it started working on me.
I love how the Spirit just whispers my faults out to me. Sometimes I need the 2x4 to the head moments, but generally a whisper will catch my attention. He said I'm taking you deeper. I didn't really get the meaning of that and just continued on my (not so) merry way. After lunch my friend Heidi called, I had forgotten my leftovers at her place. Normally I would just swing by in the late afternoon, but that day I welcomed the opportunity to escape. After blahing all over her (so thankful for a friend who can handle my raving!) and chilling for more than the appropriate 'be back in a bit' timeline I gave my family, I headed back. Again the Spirit whispered to me 'I wish you would talk to me like you do with Heidi'. Guilty as charged. I'm notorious for laying out my thanks and helps before the Father but rarely do I go deeper than that. Myriads of reasons, but none hold any merit.
'God, you've got to give me your strength and love because I've got none to offer to that man I married'. I walked in the door and Phil says welcome back but without a smile on his face. Still wounded I sarcastically shoot back to 'not be so welcoming or I might just want to stay'. Again grabbed by the Spirit to love that man I came back into the room telling him that I thought he was mad by the look on his face. Phil apologized that his face didn't relay what his words and intentions were. A sorely needed balm to my soul right there those words were.
I'm not sure when, but sometime within the next day I heard on the radio that marriage is not intended to be what you get out of it, but what you give to your spouse. Aaaand there's the 2x4 moment. This relationship isn't about him cooking for me, picking up his socks (but that would be nice!), or being my prince charming. Sure those are all lovely and noble attributes and I love when he loves me, but that's not the point of marriage. I am to be Phil's helpmeet and God is to be my everything. I need to follow the example of Christ and love my man even through our unloveable moments.
I really wish that there was a way to impress upon this surface the depth and feeling of the emotions that have surrounded this story. The song still speaks deeply to me and is charged with a message of more oceans to come. I have only started swimming.
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