Frustrations and Stretching

I am like most people.  I like doing something that I'm good at that doesn't cause me much distress.  Learning a new skill set causes anxiety and stress in me.  That anxiety leaves my nerves taut and frustrated tears linger just under the surface.  Sometimes those tears burst forth and sometimes I'm able to contain them.  I also happen to be a quitting perfectionist.  If I can't get it right the first time I might never try again.  Cross stitching, bow making, and composting are examples that spring right to my mind.  Knitting almost fell in that category.  I could not get the hang of casting on.  I was so flustered, cheeks flushed, and mad at myself for getting what seemed to be such an easy concept.  It was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears.  Thank goodness my friend Susan is a patient, gentle and encouraging teacher.  I was able to conquer (although that might be the wrong choice of words as I'm still slow and laborious) the technique of casting on my knitting.

Tonight, I faced a new challenged.  The backwards loop cast on.  I watched the video and went straight to work.  It went easier than I anticipated.  Happily I knitted on until about thirty minutes into my work I realized that my backwards casting on wasn't done right.  Sighing and trying not to cry as I pulled out and unraveled so much hard earned work I realized that once again I was bested by casting on.  It seems to be the bane of my knit work.  I quit counting how many times I've had to recast stitches due to not being able to guess right how much I'd need.  Since I'm so slow at casting on it really drives my perfectionist self right to the precipice of quitting.

Other people may have just started right back up again, but not me.  I have to walk away.  Sometimes for a few hours, days, even weeks depending on the sting of my failure.  This one will probably be a few days as I feel pretty blind sighted and mocked by my yarn and my inability to twirl it in the right direction.  As much as I'd rather quit and walk away I can't.  I'm working on my first sweater for myself.  I've got the sleeves and back done.  I can't give up now, and I can't leave for too long or I won't make my goal of finishing before summer is over.

Oh my yarn, you have bested me tonight.  But I will win, I will learn all these anxiety provoking, confusing, and frustrating new stitches.  I will be stretched, I will grow.  In the end I'll have a new skill set (that I may or may not remember how to execute without the aid of a youtube video) and a cute sweater to wear once the weather turns to fall.