About two months ago, I had this dream that I was at my old daycare girlie's second birthday party and they announced that they were pregnant again. I told Phil about my dream, and he laughed and said yes and the plot twist was that they asked you to be their sitter, but in a double plot twist you had to decline because you were pregnant yourself!
We had a good laugh, but always joked about what if we had our own plot twist someday down the road. Earlier this spring we decided that after our loss last fall, we were perfectly content with our family, and were through pursuing adding any additional children. In a move that we hadn't done in a very long time, most likely years at this point, we started using the diaphragm once again. Since I am allergic to spermicide and using a diaphragm without it reduces the efficacy by 30%, I also prayed for God to keep my womb closed. Which He did.
Fast forward a few months, and I had a heart to heart with God. I told Him that I was struggling with our decision to say that we were done. Not that I wanted any more children right now, but I longed to carry life within me again. I left it at that, a longing that I someday wished to have fulfilled.
Throughout the month of May, my spirit was very unsettled, and I could tell something was happening. I'm pretty in tune with my body, so there were little moments that left me going 'huh, that's odd'. As the days before my menses was due, I was even more ruffled. None of the usual signs were cropping up, and my cervix was strangely closed. The day my period was supposed to start, I confessed to my sister that I feared I was pregnant. Wise lady answered, what will be will be and God will bring you through it. She of course thought I was crazy for thinking that when I wasn't even late yet!
The next day I found a reason to go out and buy a pregnancy test. It was so hard to wait until the following morning to use the test! I managed to wait, and tada, positive! Even when I am I fairly sure that I'm pregnant, that moment of going from certainly knowing to knowing for certain is quite shocking.
I quickly raced out the door for my morning prayer walk. Let's just say I had a lot to discuss with God. Ok, mostly question His wisdom and tell Him that I felt a little used. I tell you my real feelings and you step in and allow new life to form, are you crazy?!
I got home and debated about telling Phil. It was his last day of school with students and I didn't want to ruin it for him. But I decided that I was quite a wreck and needed him, and since it takes two to tango, I figured he was man enough to deal and support me. When I woke him up and told him that we had our own little plot twist, he was grinning ear to ear. He told me later in fact that he received this news the most joyously out of all of them.
Never in my life have I faced such opposing emotions simultaneously. One moment I'm elated, we are brining forth life once again, there will be a new member in our family! And in that same breath, utter terror. What if this one is bound for glory instead of my arms. I'm not sure I am strong enough to go through such a loss again. Each time there is a stretch in my womb these thoughts and feelings hit me once again. But I have decided to at least try and trust. Trust that everything will go in the direction of life and not loss this time. Trust that if loss happens that God will bring me through it once again. And choosing to love fiercely, because every day is a gift, and if today is the only day I get to love on this little one, than so be it. I will have no regrets.
Phil has been most tender and open to me these few weeks. The morning sickness and fatigue has hit me like a train wreck, and it takes a lot for me to get out of bed. Today I couldn't even manage it. I called him in the bedroom and asked if he could make me some breakfast because I felt to ill and weak to get up. That amazing man answered, 'already being taken care of, do you think you could handle some eggs?' And he tells me that I'm beautiful. Even though my nose is raw from a summer cold, my hair is disheveled, I'm an rare shade of gray, and I probably look as crappy as I feel. He laughs when I say, 'well the great thing about being sick is that I know I'm still pregnant', easing my fears. And he listens to each baby fact of the day that comes from my mouth. Which I can guarantee is more than just one!
Phil has probably told more people that we are expecting than I have! I love that he gets to say it with joy and excitement, and with none of the fear and apprehension that I have. He asks people what I am asking of you now. Pray for this pregnancy, and for Alicia. We are telling everyone early so that they may experience our joy alongside us. We are asking to be covered in prayer that we may meet this little one on this side of heaven. That everything will be alright.
Join us as our lives take a new journey. With a twist in the plot sometime around January 28, 2013!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Intentional Spontaneity
I love being spontaneous. Call me up and want to hang out? Sure, sounds great. Random day trip, you bet. Mom, want to play house? Not now. Actually, not ever. I get so danged bored with trying to engage in imaginative play. When I do, I only make it a few minutes.
In fact, playing with my kids is probably the hardest thing I do as a mom. Cook, clean, wipe bottoms, no problems there. Shocking? Perhaps yes, perhaps no. I am a very determined first born. If I don't see value in my task then I probably won't do it. Oh yes, the teacher in me knows that kids need to explore, create, imagine. I try and create those possibilities all the time. Just so long as I don't get dragged in.
However, I noticed something these last few months. Abi is blossoming into a young lady. No longer the little girl who would prefer to be with her mom. She runs in the door, drops off her backpack, says hi, maybe eats a snack, and then is out the door to play with the neighborhood kids. I realized that her childhood is slipping away like sand through an hourglass. She already knows the 'truth' about Santa, the tooth fairy, and any other imaginative being.
The nice thing about first children, is you find out some things that work, and some things that don't. And as I've watched her run off to be with her peers, I realized that I wronged her by not playing more. I always found some other task to do more often than not. Truth hurts, but it is also an excellent teacher. Now I'm trying to be more spontaneous with them. Trying to sneak something in each day. It is very hard for me. Last week, included a surprise picnic to the park, bike ride across town, giggle/tickle fest, playing in the sprinklers, and making breakfast together. I struck out in the activity yesterday, but scored big in chatting together.
This morning was very rewarding for me. We built marble race tracks for an hour together before a friend came and they did it another hour together. It was strange to me that it was almost 10 o'clock and I hadn't 'done' anything except make and clean up breakfast and play with my children. And yet I had just as much satisfaction as I did had I been doing chores all morning.
I'm trying to let some of my need for clean go. It is needed for both the children and myself. I want them to remember me as a fun loving mom, not some lady who just cooked and cleaned. And if intentional spontaneity is the way I can achieve that goal, well then, so be it!
In fact, playing with my kids is probably the hardest thing I do as a mom. Cook, clean, wipe bottoms, no problems there. Shocking? Perhaps yes, perhaps no. I am a very determined first born. If I don't see value in my task then I probably won't do it. Oh yes, the teacher in me knows that kids need to explore, create, imagine. I try and create those possibilities all the time. Just so long as I don't get dragged in.
However, I noticed something these last few months. Abi is blossoming into a young lady. No longer the little girl who would prefer to be with her mom. She runs in the door, drops off her backpack, says hi, maybe eats a snack, and then is out the door to play with the neighborhood kids. I realized that her childhood is slipping away like sand through an hourglass. She already knows the 'truth' about Santa, the tooth fairy, and any other imaginative being.
The nice thing about first children, is you find out some things that work, and some things that don't. And as I've watched her run off to be with her peers, I realized that I wronged her by not playing more. I always found some other task to do more often than not. Truth hurts, but it is also an excellent teacher. Now I'm trying to be more spontaneous with them. Trying to sneak something in each day. It is very hard for me. Last week, included a surprise picnic to the park, bike ride across town, giggle/tickle fest, playing in the sprinklers, and making breakfast together. I struck out in the activity yesterday, but scored big in chatting together.
This morning was very rewarding for me. We built marble race tracks for an hour together before a friend came and they did it another hour together. It was strange to me that it was almost 10 o'clock and I hadn't 'done' anything except make and clean up breakfast and play with my children. And yet I had just as much satisfaction as I did had I been doing chores all morning.
I'm trying to let some of my need for clean go. It is needed for both the children and myself. I want them to remember me as a fun loving mom, not some lady who just cooked and cleaned. And if intentional spontaneity is the way I can achieve that goal, well then, so be it!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
sneaky green smoothie
Today with it being so hot I knew the kids would appreciate something cold to sip on for snack time. Knowing that the veggies had been a little lacking for lunch (someone please figure out why they don't like baby carrots!), I decided to go all sneaky chef on them. A while back I had in my possession an email that told of a chocolate pea smoothie. I have been thinking about it ever since. Could the taste of peas really be covered up by bananas and cocoa?
Of course once I set out to find said recipe, it was no where in sight! After a few minutes searching, I opted to just wing it. When I sampled the smoothie it just tasted like soft serve chocolate ice cream, I knew it was a go. The mmm's that my ears heard had told me I was successful. This is a very loosely based recipe, so take it as it is!
2 handfuls frozen peas
1 frozen banana broke into segments
splash of vanilla
1 tbsp cocoa powder
milk to thin to desired consistency
(Upon tasting it seemed just a bit bitter from the cocoa, so then I drizzled the top with just a dab of maple flavored agave syrup.)
blend until smooth and somewhere in between milkshake tendency and soft serve ice cream. Serve and smile because you just got some greens in your kiddos :)
Note: I did tell the kids that they had a vegetable in their smoothie later after they had eaten it and declared it yummy. I told them they wouldn't believe what was in there even if I said so. They chose to know and were totally surprised, and then asked if we could try that with frozen corn sometime.
Of course once I set out to find said recipe, it was no where in sight! After a few minutes searching, I opted to just wing it. When I sampled the smoothie it just tasted like soft serve chocolate ice cream, I knew it was a go. The mmm's that my ears heard had told me I was successful. This is a very loosely based recipe, so take it as it is!
2 handfuls frozen peas
1 frozen banana broke into segments
splash of vanilla
1 tbsp cocoa powder
milk to thin to desired consistency
(Upon tasting it seemed just a bit bitter from the cocoa, so then I drizzled the top with just a dab of maple flavored agave syrup.)
blend until smooth and somewhere in between milkshake tendency and soft serve ice cream. Serve and smile because you just got some greens in your kiddos :)
Note: I did tell the kids that they had a vegetable in their smoothie later after they had eaten it and declared it yummy. I told them they wouldn't believe what was in there even if I said so. They chose to know and were totally surprised, and then asked if we could try that with frozen corn sometime.
Friday, April 20, 2012
The Power of Friendships
Today was the last day of MOPS for the 2011-2012 school year. We had a few of the ladies share their stories 'how I became the mother I am'. All of three of them were so very touching. One gal shared about how she woke up at 5wks pregnant with heavy spotting. My heart skipped a beat, and I'm sure my breath caught. And as she told the story of how not only was she afraid of losing her baby, her eldest had been 'misplaced' at church and she was frantically running around looking for her child asking God if she was supposed to lose both of her babies that day. Thankfully, her baby lived, and her child was found.
All of the sudden I was right back to my own story. Bleeding, but not knowing whether life remained. And also remembering how terrified I was that day of losing my oldest as well when she didn't come home from school and no one could find her. I can imagine there was a lot of raw emotion on my face as those memories came flooding back. Then my dear friend Rebecca caught my hand and just held it through the rest of the speaker's story. I didn't tell her how much I needed that. She won't have a clue (unless she reads this) that her holding my hand got me through the speaker, helped me keep my composure. What a testament to the power of a true friend. She knew my pain and reached out to me in such a simple, but powerfully needed way. Rebecca always says that women need each other, boy was that true for me today!
I have been reflecting on friendship this week. See, after the miscarriage I took a long break from Facebook. It was a time that I needed to crawl inside of myself to grieve. Sure I felt lonely and disconnected, but I have never felt closer to my Maker than I did in those months. I have 'reconnected' with Facebook in the last week. At first I told myself only at night. Then it was only during times when Wesley was nursing. Then all of the sudden I am finding myself checking Facebook every few hours, looking to see if anyone has posted. I am especially curious about posts in a few of the groups I am involved in. I wouldn't call myself obsessed with Facebook, but I can see that it has taken an unhealthy role in my daily life. I just want to know what other people are doing, and it just strikes me as odd that I am more interested about people from distant pasts, or strangers whom I've never met instead of my friends. I realized that I haven't reached out and met up or called many people this week, because I was finding friendship fulfillment through cyber relationships!
What a sad culture we live in that we are more connected with our devices than people. That we would rather read about or watch others lives on a screen than know our next door neighbors. I am guilty. In the almost three years we've been on our block I have only met people from four of the eight houses that are in the cul de sac.
I don't know how to change our society, but I can be the change I want to see right? I can choose to seek out people instead of screens. My computer will never give me a hug or a shoulder to cry on. Because when I see ((((hugs)))) on the screen, I sure don't feel comforted. It just makes me feel more alone and isolated.
I am not a rock, I am not an island. I am a woman who needs the power of her friends to carry her through this life, as only friends can do.
All of the sudden I was right back to my own story. Bleeding, but not knowing whether life remained. And also remembering how terrified I was that day of losing my oldest as well when she didn't come home from school and no one could find her. I can imagine there was a lot of raw emotion on my face as those memories came flooding back. Then my dear friend Rebecca caught my hand and just held it through the rest of the speaker's story. I didn't tell her how much I needed that. She won't have a clue (unless she reads this) that her holding my hand got me through the speaker, helped me keep my composure. What a testament to the power of a true friend. She knew my pain and reached out to me in such a simple, but powerfully needed way. Rebecca always says that women need each other, boy was that true for me today!
I have been reflecting on friendship this week. See, after the miscarriage I took a long break from Facebook. It was a time that I needed to crawl inside of myself to grieve. Sure I felt lonely and disconnected, but I have never felt closer to my Maker than I did in those months. I have 'reconnected' with Facebook in the last week. At first I told myself only at night. Then it was only during times when Wesley was nursing. Then all of the sudden I am finding myself checking Facebook every few hours, looking to see if anyone has posted. I am especially curious about posts in a few of the groups I am involved in. I wouldn't call myself obsessed with Facebook, but I can see that it has taken an unhealthy role in my daily life. I just want to know what other people are doing, and it just strikes me as odd that I am more interested about people from distant pasts, or strangers whom I've never met instead of my friends. I realized that I haven't reached out and met up or called many people this week, because I was finding friendship fulfillment through cyber relationships!
What a sad culture we live in that we are more connected with our devices than people. That we would rather read about or watch others lives on a screen than know our next door neighbors. I am guilty. In the almost three years we've been on our block I have only met people from four of the eight houses that are in the cul de sac.
I don't know how to change our society, but I can be the change I want to see right? I can choose to seek out people instead of screens. My computer will never give me a hug or a shoulder to cry on. Because when I see ((((hugs)))) on the screen, I sure don't feel comforted. It just makes me feel more alone and isolated.
I am not a rock, I am not an island. I am a woman who needs the power of her friends to carry her through this life, as only friends can do.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Hospitality Hostess
For the first time in a long while, I accepted a leadership position. It didn't come easy. You see, I consistently score so low on leadership for personality tests that it's not even worth the while to figure my total. The few times that I've tried to take up a leader role, it has miserably failed. Groups disbanding, not ever even starting outside of me and my ideas. So I did not go lightly into the venture of accepting a leading role for MOPS next year. I prayed and felt convicted that serving for hospitality would be something that I could do.
MOPS--mothers of preschoolers. It has been my link to nearly every person I know in Grand Island outside of family. I love going, it's a wonderful time to connect with other women, and the kids are in their own little rooms, much like Sunday school. Every year I have been asked if I'd be willing to help serve, and every year the response was 'no thanks I just want to come and enjoy, I'm not much of a leader anyways'.
What changed? Certainly not me. I'm still just as much as a follower as ever. Just my perspective on what leading can look like. Which is why hospitality is the perfect place for me to lead. Because it's not really leading, it's serving. I will be in charge of arranging who is bringing brunch, setting up the meeting room, and tearing it down each time. There isn't any public speaking. No one will be looking to me for answers or guidance. Our little branch of MOPS won't collapse (hopefully!) just because I'm 'leading'.
I will get to make the room be what everyone has always seen. Set up, organized, decorated, welcoming. All ready for them to come and enjoy. Do you see what I am getting at? It's behind the scenes work. A place to give back, but not in a very obvious way. It's a job that people don't think about, because it is done when they are away. And that's the way I like it. I love working in the background where no one notices. It's the perfect place for this follower, and I'm excited to give back to an organization that has brought so many positive people and experiences into my life.
MOPS--mothers of preschoolers. It has been my link to nearly every person I know in Grand Island outside of family. I love going, it's a wonderful time to connect with other women, and the kids are in their own little rooms, much like Sunday school. Every year I have been asked if I'd be willing to help serve, and every year the response was 'no thanks I just want to come and enjoy, I'm not much of a leader anyways'.
What changed? Certainly not me. I'm still just as much as a follower as ever. Just my perspective on what leading can look like. Which is why hospitality is the perfect place for me to lead. Because it's not really leading, it's serving. I will be in charge of arranging who is bringing brunch, setting up the meeting room, and tearing it down each time. There isn't any public speaking. No one will be looking to me for answers or guidance. Our little branch of MOPS won't collapse (hopefully!) just because I'm 'leading'.
I will get to make the room be what everyone has always seen. Set up, organized, decorated, welcoming. All ready for them to come and enjoy. Do you see what I am getting at? It's behind the scenes work. A place to give back, but not in a very obvious way. It's a job that people don't think about, because it is done when they are away. And that's the way I like it. I love working in the background where no one notices. It's the perfect place for this follower, and I'm excited to give back to an organization that has brought so many positive people and experiences into my life.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Lentil Sandwich Spread
I adore peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. They are super yummy, filling, cheap, and good for you. That being said, the humble sandwich leaves much to be desired in the warmer months, especially when it comes to picnic fare. We think that picnics are wonderful, but sometimes that sweet sandwich just doesn't fit the bill for me. I like more savory sandwiches for lunch, pb&j is more of a breakfast food for me personally.
Yesterday morning the phone rang, and Phil's mom decided that since it was so beautiful out we should picnic for lunch out at Hall County Park (which if you've never been there, it is such a wonderful hidden little slice of heaven for Grand Island!). I said we'd bring the sandwiches and fruit if she brought the chips. Then I realized once I hung up that I had neglected to remember that I didn't have anything to fill my sandwich with! As Phil was slapping together some meat and cheese sandwiches, I was huffing to myself about what to make. I didn't have any beans made, otherwise a chickpea salad sandwich would have been perfect. I almost threw in the towel to opt for pb&j but then decided it would be worth the effort to cook up some lentils. Let me tell you I am so glad that I did! The color and texture reminded me of tuna salad, but the flavor was all it's own. With some smoky chipotle chili's in the background, this sandwich filled my need for a savory sandwich.
My measurements are just approximate as I dumped and whizzed it up in the mini food processor until it seemed about right.
1 cup cooked lentils
2 tbsp ranch dressing
1/4 chipotle chili pepper (I just snipped a piece off a canned chili pepper)
1/4 roasted red bell pepper (I had the jarred variety sitting in my fridge)
I made it fairly thick so it was pretty 'pasty' and able to stay on the bread. I think it would also be an excellent dip if thinned out with some more ranch and/or mayonaise. The only thing that would have made it better was to have some banana pepper rings on top!
Yesterday morning the phone rang, and Phil's mom decided that since it was so beautiful out we should picnic for lunch out at Hall County Park (which if you've never been there, it is such a wonderful hidden little slice of heaven for Grand Island!). I said we'd bring the sandwiches and fruit if she brought the chips. Then I realized once I hung up that I had neglected to remember that I didn't have anything to fill my sandwich with! As Phil was slapping together some meat and cheese sandwiches, I was huffing to myself about what to make. I didn't have any beans made, otherwise a chickpea salad sandwich would have been perfect. I almost threw in the towel to opt for pb&j but then decided it would be worth the effort to cook up some lentils. Let me tell you I am so glad that I did! The color and texture reminded me of tuna salad, but the flavor was all it's own. With some smoky chipotle chili's in the background, this sandwich filled my need for a savory sandwich.
My measurements are just approximate as I dumped and whizzed it up in the mini food processor until it seemed about right.
1 cup cooked lentils
2 tbsp ranch dressing
1/4 chipotle chili pepper (I just snipped a piece off a canned chili pepper)
1/4 roasted red bell pepper (I had the jarred variety sitting in my fridge)
I made it fairly thick so it was pretty 'pasty' and able to stay on the bread. I think it would also be an excellent dip if thinned out with some more ranch and/or mayonaise. The only thing that would have made it better was to have some banana pepper rings on top!
Friday, March 23, 2012
sunny muffins revamped
Just in case I haven't mentioned it lately. I love Isa Chandra Moskowitz's Vegan With A Vengeance cookbook. Her whit and charm still delight me, even though I've read through it a few times now. Last night the kids peeked over my shoulder at a baked oatmeal muffin recipe. They were pretty disappointed that I didn't have everything to make them, but I cheered them up with the enticement of a new muffin flavor in the morning. I dutifully flipped open the previously mentioned cookbook when Isa's Suny Blueberry-Corn muffins caught my eye. I've read through it before, but haven't ever actually made them. I figured these babies would fit the bill.
This morning, I drug myself out of bed earlier than I would have liked (I know, strange words coming from this early bird's mouth!) and trotted off to the kitchen. Since I am dabbling in the world of gluten free baking, I really wanted to try to makeover these muffins. And I had the baked oatmeal gems on my mind too. I decided to combine them both and see what would happen.
The most helpful article I've read thus far about gf muffins inspired my mix for the morning. Here it is in case you need a reference:
http://glutenfreegirl.com/gluten-free-whole-grain-muffins/
The batter was a bit more stiff than I was used to, which caused me some concern, but the overall muffin was just divine! In fact, I usually make muffins on Fridays so the kids can munch on them for Saturday breakfast too. However, everyone gobbled these babies up (even Phil and Wesley who usually don't partake in anylove eating of muffins), and there wasn't even a morsel left! The crumb was silky smooth with an almost cupcake like texture, in between the toothsome bites of oatmeal (can you tell I read cookbooks for pleasure?!).
Ok, I won't keep you waiting any longer. I would wager to say that you could go whip these little delights up right now as almost everything is a pantry staple (at least it is for me!).
2/3 cup oatmeal
2/3 cup masa harina/ corn flour (used to make tamales, I would guess that corn meal would work great too)
2/3 cup corn starch
1 tbsp + 1/4 tsp baking powder
heaping 1/4 tsp salt
scant 1/3 cup sugar
1/4 cup oil
1/4 cup applesauce
3/4 cup soymilk
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp dried lemon zest
1 1/4 c blueberries (or more if you like them super fruity)
Preheat oven to 400. Grease or line muffin pan.
Mix dry ingredients together.
In separate bowl, blend wet ingredients.
Combine and stir until mixed.
Fold in blueberries
Scoop out into muffin pan
Bake 10 minutes or until done.
I think that my oven runs hot because it never takes me as long to get through my baking compared to the recipes I work with, so adjust accordingly. And yes, I know I should invest in an oven thermometer, but I don't make anything as of yet that calls for an exact temp, so I just roll with the punches!
This morning, I drug myself out of bed earlier than I would have liked (I know, strange words coming from this early bird's mouth!) and trotted off to the kitchen. Since I am dabbling in the world of gluten free baking, I really wanted to try to makeover these muffins. And I had the baked oatmeal gems on my mind too. I decided to combine them both and see what would happen.
The most helpful article I've read thus far about gf muffins inspired my mix for the morning. Here it is in case you need a reference:
http://glutenfreegirl.com/gluten-free-whole-grain-muffins/
The batter was a bit more stiff than I was used to, which caused me some concern, but the overall muffin was just divine! In fact, I usually make muffins on Fridays so the kids can munch on them for Saturday breakfast too. However, everyone gobbled these babies up (even Phil and Wesley who usually don't partake in any
Ok, I won't keep you waiting any longer. I would wager to say that you could go whip these little delights up right now as almost everything is a pantry staple (at least it is for me!).
2/3 cup oatmeal
2/3 cup masa harina/ corn flour (used to make tamales, I would guess that corn meal would work great too)
2/3 cup corn starch
1 tbsp + 1/4 tsp baking powder
heaping 1/4 tsp salt
scant 1/3 cup sugar
1/4 cup oil
1/4 cup applesauce
3/4 cup soymilk
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp dried lemon zest
1 1/4 c blueberries (or more if you like them super fruity)
Preheat oven to 400. Grease or line muffin pan.
Mix dry ingredients together.
In separate bowl, blend wet ingredients.
Combine and stir until mixed.
Fold in blueberries
Scoop out into muffin pan
Bake 10 minutes or until done.
I think that my oven runs hot because it never takes me as long to get through my baking compared to the recipes I work with, so adjust accordingly. And yes, I know I should invest in an oven thermometer, but I don't make anything as of yet that calls for an exact temp, so I just roll with the punches!
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