Stars Die Slowly

You ever have something that you want to talk about, but it's such a long story that you don't know where to begin?  That's where I'm at right now, how to talk about the star in my life that is fading out.  It has been coming for months now, and I couldn't hardly think about it, let alone discuss it with those closest to me.  I cannot be a vegetarian any longer.  Shocked?  Me too!

It all started last summer while pregnant with Miles.  I had some craving for meat.  Not a big deal, I did while pregnant with Lizzi too.  With her I ate the chicken, enjoyed it, felt better, and that was that.  I got to continue my pregnancy without further cravings.  Wesley was my only true vegetarian pregnancy, I never even had a craving for meat, and he was my biggest baby!  But oh goodness with Miles it was another whole story.  I felt compelled to eat meat, even though it left me feeling ill.  I spoke with an Ob, my midwife, and a slew full of other people who were super knowledgeable about pregnancy.  The general consensus was, if you're craving it, your body must need it.  So I did, I ate meat every couple of days when the compulsion came.  Assuming that once Miles was born I would be able to happily resume my vegetarian ways, I didn't speak about what was going on with the general population.

All was fine for a few days, but once the high of having a baby wore off, the need for meat came back. I sobbed in Phil's arms, for in my heart I knew it was over.  I told him that after almost seven years of being a vegetarian, it wasn't going to come easy, accepting this news.  Sweet man held me and told me to take all the time that I needed, and that he was happy to know that I was listening to my body.

Feeling betrayed by my body, I returned to the plate that included dead animals, albeit reluctantly.  It may sound harsh, but that was where my mind was, all I could see was the tragedy on my plate.  I would eat the flesh without trying to think about it, but Phil would ask me questions on taste and texture which forced me to start paying attention.  It was difficult and repulsive at first, but then it got easier.  One day I realized that I actually liked the way chicken tasted, and oddly enough I had cravings for hamburger.  That one blew my mind as the smell of ground beef made me nauseous for years, and Phil had to cook it, which he didn't mind as I am yet to achieve the finesse of cooking meat.

I knew that if I could understand why my body was asking for animal protein that I could make the adjustment a lot easier.  I've spent hours of my life trying to relearn nutrition and the human body.  What I'm finding is making the mental switch easier, but it's also infuriating.  Uncharacteristically of me, I am not including any links.  My reasoning is this: I don't want people just taking my word for it, I want them to dig for information and own it and not just take my word for it.  I don't want anyone feeling deceived one morning doing what they believed was best because someone else said so, and finding out it was untrue.

I've learned that the book The China Study by T. Collin Campbell has faulty research.  This is the book that is most referenced by vegetarian experts as to why humans should be vegetarian.  The whole health benefit isn't as true as made out to be.  It's a great short term diet to fix a health crises.  In fact, over and over again I read stories of vegetarians whose health eventually suffered due to their diet, even though they were doing it 'right'.

Our bodies don't assimilate animal and plant protein the same.  I suppose that most people would say 'duh Alicia' to that one.  I cannot count how many books written by vegetarian doctors I've read that said otherwise.  My latest findings show me that there are amino acids in animals that plants cannot provide, even if you do the old trick of matching foods to make complete proteins with plants.  The plants contain the same amino acids, but also have anti-nutrients which render the body unable to utilize those acids.
When given only plant protein our bodies burn excess protein that's stored up.  It's a great process and helps keep our bodies clean, but eventually we run out of this excess and start running into troubles.  And as I've discovered no amount plant protein loading can correct the problem.

Grains and legumes contain a whole myriad of anti-nutrients which block absorption of crucial minerals.  Not to mention the gluten that about 50% of americans have sensitivities to.  This was the building block of my vegetarian diet as I'm not the most avid vegetable lover.  My friends dubbed me the vegetarian who doesn't like vegetables.

Other things that I'd never considered while living a vegetarian lifestyle.  The principle of ahimsa or 'do no harm' cannot be applied to what is on my plate.  Death occurs in order to sustain my life, whether that is the animal that is sitting on it, or those that died in order for my plants to grow.  As a want to be gardener who has the blackest thumb, I was very surprised to realize how agressive plant agriculture has to be in order to keep animals from eating the crops.  This goes to show just how far removed I am from the food that I eat.
The rainforests that I love and got angry about being cleared for livestock are also cleared just as much for plants.
How attractive vegetarianism is to a disordered eater.   I thought I had healing from my bulimic tendencies, but the reality is that being a vegetarian allowed me to continue some of that disordered thinking.
How silly it is to eat meat and dairy replacements.  Those things, whether made at home or bought at the store, are awful for you.

As I was clinging on to my last shreds of staying veg, I had to ask myself.  Was it worth sacrificing my health and the lives of my family members for an animal that couldn't thank me and didn't know it was living because of me?  Thankfully I haven't lost every shred of mentality and the answer came easy to me, of course not.

What health issues am I facing because of being a vegetarian for so many years?
It's been almost two years now since my first bout of thyroditis.  While no one can say for certain that my diet caused this, I've read enough correlations to believe that it has.  In case you're curious, yes, I do believe this was the cause and not an effect of my miscarriage back in 2011.
 Gastrointestinal issues.  Through the years the gas and subsequent pains from eating legumes has increased.  It was so bad while pregnant with Miles that I had to quit eating them.  I guess it's no wonder my body cried out.  Now, certain legumes are giving me diarrhea, oh joy!  I believe I'm one of those gluten sensitive people since too many wheat products cause constipation.  It's pretty crazy to me now to see that I've been eating one food to remedy a problem that another created.  What a ridiculous way to live.
Exhaustion.  Please don't blame it on my having turned 30 in the last year.  My body didn't start feeling this way just because I turned 30.  I can't blame it on Miles either as he's a good sleeper, which I've never had before.  I really think that my body has some deficiencies in spite of my best laid intentions.  The exhaustion being my primary concern.  If I'm so tired that I need over 10 hours of sleep at night and a nap during the day there is something off.  I cannot be a good mom right now because of this.  It's a terrifying place to be-- day in and day out-- to be too tired to play with the kids, or go up and down the stairs.

Where do I go from here?
I have a doctor's appointment scheduled in hopes of pointing out certain deficiencies, and to once again check my thyroid as the swelling is spreading.
Finding foods that bring optimal health and enjoyment.  I don't want to eat something because I should, or have too, but because I want to and enjoy it.  And eat those foods without guilt or remorse.  More mental healing from the bulimia that cozied right up to so many veggie principles.  Hence the statement about eating without guilt.
Find a new identity.  I know that sounds odd, maybe it's because I've worded it incorrectly, but I never realized how much of myself I wrapped up in the label of being a vegetarian.
Discover a whole new cuisine, which shouldn't be an issue since I love to try new food!