Grandpa's Laugh

Saturday morning I awoke with tears streaming down my face.  I had a hauntingly beautiful dream that touched me deeply.

In the dream I was helping my sister get ready for her wedding.  She had her dress on and I was getting everything tucked and smoothed and just so.  She had thrown her hair up in a pony tail and I was chastising her that a bride needed something more special than a ponytail.  As I was putting bobby pins in her hair and making her hair lovely, I heard a hearty laugh.  I whipped around and there leaning in the doorframe with his head back and hands on belly was my grandfather.  I couldn't believe how dashing he looked.  In a tux, and looking about fifty years old, he was full of life and laughing heartily.  I ran over to embrace him and as I did I woke up.

 I cried for my loss of getting to see and hold him in my dreams.  I cried as I realized that I don't think he laughed with that full-of-life laugh of his after grandma died.  At least not that I heard.  I cried to know that I had an eternal glimpse of him.  I cried to know I wouldn't hear that laugh on this side of heaven.  And I cry now as I remember and memorialize that dream with words on this 'paper'.

Spoon Surprise

This morning I decided I would skim some of Wesley's oatmeal off and give it to Miles for breakfast.  I wasn't sure what to expect since Miles hadn't eaten oatmeal before, and the few times I've tried spoon feeding him it hasn't gone so well.  I spooned some yumminess and brought it to his mouth and Miles snatched the spoon away from me.  I assumed that he was going to chuck it to the floor as he'd done previously.  Instead, that little guy totally surprised me and started feeding himself!  I quit giving Miles silverware probably two months ago when he discovered gravity and found it more amusing to pitch the spoon over the side of the highchair than practice with it.  It was reminiscent of the first time he grabbed a toy and picked it up, I had no idea he could do that.  I rushed to grab the camera and enjoyed watching him self feed from a utensil through the viewfinder.  The expressions Miles made while eating were quite entertaining.  The only assistance he needed was getting the (thick and sticky) oatmeal onto the spoon otherwise he did all the work!

bringing food up

such a big spoon for a pint sized person!

yum, I like oatmeal

taking a break from the spoon and using fingers

I got excited when I saw him switch to his left hand

but then he switched back to his right, looks like I'll be the only south paw in the family

Siblings

This has been a long week of parenting and I'm only halfway through it.  The kids are cranky and have cabin fever.  They've tried going outside to play in the snow, but it's so cold that the time is very short before they are back in again.  There are fights, cruel words, stomping, tears, and other things that I'm trying to forget.  It's been enough to make me wonder why in the world am I choosing to stay home and home school these nutty people.

I know I'm not the only one to feel that way.  Even (more) veteran moms are telling me their kids have become cantankerous.  I'm sure there were days that my mom considered leaving us at a babysitters, shipping us off to boarding school, or being anywhere other than with us crazies.  So in honor of all us mommies who are parenting through some of the not so fun times with our kids I'm posting this picture.  A picture of siblings who grew up together and did all of the normal sibling stuff.  Even though we are spread apart geographically, our bond is strong.  None of us are very good at picking up the phone and calling 'just because' but when we get back together again just watch out because you won't be able to get a word in edgewise.  I love my brothers and sister and miss them dreadfully.  But when there are time and distance constraints on your relationship you appreciate every moment together.

Zach, me, Taylor (in back), Ken (front), Auntie Young, Mandy

This picture is my reminder for today that yes mothering is tough, and there are lots of days when I want to throw in the towel and be done.  This is one of my hopes for my children-- a deep bond with each of their siblings--that neither time nor space will break.  A bond that will last well after my life has ended.  If my children grow up to follow Christ and love their siblings as deeply as I do mine, I will consider my role in their lives a raging success.

Making Progress

This weekend we had a big push and we got a lot of work done on our to do list of things to fix up for selling this place.  I started friday by fixing up the stairs where a few of the edge pieces had fallen off.  That was my first experience using a finishing nail gun.  It was scary fun wielding such a powerful tool!

Phil tried his hand out with the gun that night only to find out that it was too strong for the kitchen kick boards we had selected.  Frustrated and tired we gave up and went to bed.  While sleeping, my brain came up with the solution of using the hand held nail gun.  Less power = success on getting those boards in place upon waking! The rest of Saturday was spent at church for a meeting and then with friends.

Sunday found me telling Phil that we had to have a work day or we were never going to make our goal.  We had avoided finishing up the trim work for three years, it was time to conquer.  Phil worked on the hallway while I spent the morning spackling and priming the living and dining room walls where the old trim had been.  We broke for church, lunch, and a few games and then headed back home.  Once the hallway was completed and painting finished we headed out for a super bowl gathering at his sister's house.  We left at halftime in order to get the kids in bed at a good time.  When we got home I suggested that we finish the job.  Everything was out from the walls, and the trim and saw were on the table (great time saver to not have to run back and forth to the garage to cut wood but huge mess maker!).  Phil took me up on it and he cut the trim while I put the kids to bed.  We got all of it done with the exception of one wall as there is a floor board that needs to be fixed before nailing the trim.

I feel like I can breathe a bit easier now that the trim work project is nearing completion.  All of the remaining tasks are small ones that require more time than energy.  It feels pretty good to get some of these home improvement skills.  Power sander, pneumatic nail gun, wall paper stripping, switching electrical outlets, and a pleasant surprise--I even reattached the fireplace mantle on my own.  It's going to take a lot more than those skills (or paying the contractor, we're still hashing those details out) to see our little dream home built this summer.  Next up, getting the realtor in here and telling us what else needs to be done to sell our abode!

What Social Anxiety Feels Like (to me)

A while back I mentioned that I have been struggling with social anxiety more and more.  This isn't a new phenomenon in my life.  I've just been more aware of how acute it has become ever since having a mild panic attack in Sams Club while pregnant with Miles.  Saturday I had a real bad time with it and wanted to share what social anxiety is like for me.

When going to an event or place that I'm unfamiliar with, or uncomfortable at, I get nervous. Butterflies begin flying in my stomach and soon group together to become tangled into a knot.  So I enter the social event with a stomach pain.  If there are too many unfamiliar people, or the group is tightly dispersed my checks flush, I feel flustered and my mouth gets dry.  As the flight or flight response kicks in all I want to do is high tail it out of the area.  If I can't get away which is usually the case, my fingers and toes get cold.  Sometimes to the point where they feel like they are asleep.  At this point I quit making eye contact and walk briskly around with my head down.  My arms are either crossed because of my stomach ache, or my hands are shoved deep in my pockets trying to regain warmth.  Sometimes I wring my hands out of nervousness.  Now I'm sweating profusely even though my hands are so dang cold I can barely feel them.  If I'm still in the situation, my breathing gets more shallow as the knot from my stomach rises higher making it hard to breathe.  Since I now am not taking in the full amount of oxygen, the area around my mouth and eyes start to get tingly.  Dizziness follows and now I'm just trying to hold on until it's over without making a scene.  I can't focus, don't talk, and if asked a question make curt remarks.   The panic attack in Sams Club was the only time I've escalated worse than this and my vision started to go dark like when you stand up too fast.  I'm guessing that if I hadn't stopped and forced some deep breaths I may have passed out.

Now that you know my secret struggle you may be wondering (as I am) what is she doing to help herself through this?  An excellent question to which I don't have an answer, but am open to suggestions.  The one thing I know is that as a member of a church with 800+ people attending on a weekly basis I will be faced with a trigger situation continuously until I have over come this issue.

What would you do if you suffered from social anxiety?

Emergency Room Visit

 Warning: if blood makes you squeamish you may want to skip this post!

On the way to the hospital last night, Phil and I remarked that in nine years of parenting we felt pretty blessed that this was our first trek for stitches.

Right as we were getting ready to start our small group study I heard Wesley screaming.  It sounded like his pain wail so I felt it best to investigate.  As I reached the stair well I heard one of the girls say quick go get mom.  I raced up knowing that if they felt it appropriate to interrupt our group that it must be bad.

I entered the girls room to Wesley screaming with a washcloth pressed up on his head and blood streaming down his face.  I lifted the rag and saw a deep gash and knew this was going to require more than a snuggle and bandaid.  I swooped him up and hustled down the stairs.  As I entered the family room I said Phil I think this is going to need stitches.  The buzz of activity stopped and Phil confirmed that yes it did.  Our friends quickly gathered up their belongings as we deliberated prompt care vs emergency room.  Given the lateness of the hour it had to be a trip to the hospital.  Our friends were so sweet and helped the girls get ready and took them back to their house.  I quickly changed Miles and packed a diaper bag while Phil got Wesley calmed down and out to the van.

Once they had a chance to take his vitals and get him settled in they took a look at the gash.  'I think we can glue it' was the doctor's opinion.  Tripping and falling into the leg of the loft bed left a clean edged gash.  The doctor and nurse were so amazed at how calm Wesley was.  I told them to be thankful that it was past his bedtime and that sleepiness was playing a large role in his good patient demeanor.  Usually Wesley will scream at the sight of blood, and will continue to scream until it has stopped.

They got all the blood cleaned off his face and numbed up the wound.  The doctor came back and glued it shut.  Lo and behold it stuck!  Yes, bad joke, but you gotta make light of a not so fun situation.  After chilling for a bit longer to make sure it dried we were on our way.  Picked up the kids from our friends and went home to go to bed.  Wesley was very excited about the stickers and rubber duck the nurse gave him and chatted about it the whole way home.  Then the girls asked about their own previous emergency room visits.

One dose of pain medication and a good night sleep and you'd never know the experience Wesley had.  Well, other than the glued gash on his head!

waiting room

poor baby!

being a good patient

slightly terrified of the whole process

resting while waiting for numbing agent to do its magic

numbed up and ready to be glued

passed out waiting for the glue to dry

today he's good as new!

Meeting with a General Contractor

Yesterday late in the afternoon we made the next step toward our dream.  We met with a general contractor.  We were armed with a page full of questions and an almost completed set of drawings.  I spent half of the afternoon getting the house ready and attempting (unsuccessfully) to relax the nervous knot in my stomach.  I internalize stress and it wreaks havoc with my tummy.  When the G.C. came I was still a bundle of nerves, and just sat and listened to him and Phil speak.  Phil has quite an intense stare.  It really comes out in debates and questioning (I'm guessing his students are subjected to it frequently) and usually makes me uncomfortable.  I was impressed with how the G.C. fielded all of Phil's inquiries (with an equally unnerving stare).

We had lots of good conversation.  G.C. thinks our plans are pretty neat in an oddly workable way.  We learned that a leech field is better for our situation than a septic system given the flood plain issue. Different types of foundation were discussed.  G.C. helped us figure out who to contact for getting power and a culvert out there.  The stomach sinking portion of the conversation was when he said that plans always change during a build, it's inevitable.  Inside I thought 'please no, we've been working out the details for almost six months!' and 'we are going to have to be super careful with the changes we make so our house doesn't cost us a fortune'.  The cheer worthy parts happened when we found out that building in the country is a lot more lax than in the city, and when G.C. said we had done 90% of the work already.

Our next step is figuring out exactly what we want the G.C. to do.  He knows that we are DIYers and want to do as much of it that we can ourselves.  There are obvious portions that we cannot do such as the foundation, plumbing, and electrical.  We know we can do the finishing touches like trim work and painting, which will save us a few thousand dollars.  It is the gray areas of knowledge and experience in framing and drywalling that we will have to decide who is doing it.  I have a hunch that there will be many hours of deliberation coming up for Phil and I as we hash out the details.

As I sit here and type, my nerves are strung up tight. It's getting so real to me now.   We are rapidly leaving the dreaming zone for the working reality.  In one month we will be listing our house.  Getting a bid from the General Contractor.  Woah, yeah, it's getting real.  I think I better go and breathe for a bit.  As the days fly by and we dive even deeper into building our own little homestead I'm going to need to breathe more and more.  Best get to practicing!